Lost Stars...

This blog post is essentially written to help me filter out all the jargons that I have in my head. My purpose is clear and for one thing only... that is to be objective and not follow the others through the path of subjective attacks. When people hurt you, it is always tempting to revert back at them with the same or more amount of pain. That's what I'm trying to subdue at this stage, I have too much pent up anger that needs an outlet.

What makes a broken person? How does a broken person behave? These are the questions that is going through my mind. At this stage, I want to write with my heart, and then later on I'll separate the objective against the subjective, facts again opinions, and perhaps at that stage I might be able to filter things out. 

Let's start, a broken person is someone who had their hopes and self confidence shattered. Shattered is not even close to describing what a broken person went through. Perhaps its more of shattered, trampled on and then trashed. Something that is shattered, trampled on, trashed and incinerated is not even remotely close to what a broken person is. Let's try again. A broken person is someone who had their trust betrayed, and their support system eliminated. When a building has its truss, steel frame and concrete removed, what do you have left? Definitely not a skyscrapper of course. That's pretty how much it is I guess.

I've always said that an object is valuable if many people gives it value. A $20 bill, no matter how crumpled or dirty it is, retains its value. But when the world decides that the dollar is no longer the most influential and widely used currency in the world, the $20 will retain its value of $20, but nobody will actually use it, and people will desert it. A celebrity can be famous overnight as long as there are enough people who gives them "value" and "approval". Likewise, the said celebrity can lose all his/her fame if enough people decides to leave and not be part of the groupie. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how the world operates todays. Nowadays people rely on others' "approvals" in order to feel good about themselves. The currency of today is the number of likes on facebook or the number of views on youtue, or the number of followers of twitters. For me, I don't need all the 3 things I've just mentioned. 3-4 years ago, I only need 1 single approval from 1 single person in order to determine that all I've done in life is worth it. Today, I don't need that approval from the said person anymore.

Rewind and look at the last 3-4 years, what has happened? Let's see, it all started with a simple commitment. A relationship that, in my definition, based on the commitment of 2 people. The commitment that should be agreed and implemented between two people, without the influence of outsiders. Outsiders meaning anyone (no exceptions!) who is outside of the 2 people in the relationship. This relationship went well at first, family were welcoming. But somehow communication malfunction, all of a sudden family disagreed and the situation can't be rectified. Some rumors (obviously it is untrue!) were spread, I don't know who it were from and I ignored it because I know it was untrue. I've asked for proof, and there weren't any given for whatever (ridiculous) reasons I don't know. So, what happened was I decided that the rumor was to be ignored and the rumor grew to be bigger than me. I've tried to explain, but nobody believed me. Try replacing the word "nobody" in the previous sentence to "my family". Nobody in the family believed me. I've asked for proof again and I was ignored. At that point of time, I've announced to myself that I'm in this state because I let them to have the power to do so. I realized that I've put too much faith and trust in them, so much that their words carry so much weight on me. 

I was affected tremendously by the gossips that they allegedly had proof on. I was told to break up with my then girlfriend because of rumors that is so ridiculous that it is almost too good to be true. At the lowest tide of my life, I've learnt that family does not mean ohana, family does mean that someone gets left behind. Family (and extended family) is of course a good source of support due to the massive nature of the family. But when you're on the other end, the massive nature can backfire and instead you're being put under so much pressure. Imagine a catapult. The family (and extended family) is the force that pulls the catapult backwards. This scenario is great when you're the one who's on the attack. What if  the situation became the opposite and you're the one on defence. Same amount of force, but with entirely different result. That's how I felt at the lowest point of my life. Dejected, betrayed, backstabbed and ultimately alone. The people whom I thought will protect me turns out to be the people who hurt me the most. Every single family member that I meet wants to meddle into my own business, my own commitment. 

Let me tell you something about people who's trying to tell you what to do. Don't let them make the decision for you! First of all, they only see the situation from their point of view, they do not feel the way that you do, they do not have to go through all the decision that you've made. When things goes well, they take credit. But when things goes south, they are nowhere to be found. You will have to go through the consequences of the decision alone, because nobody will want to suffer with you. Not that I agree that they should suffer with you, you shouldn't allow them to do so as well. What I'm trying to say is that get inputs (yes!) from the people that you trust or listens to, and then weigh the differences and make your decision. Never, and I repeat, NEVER! let other's tell you what decision you should make.

And so a broken person was born. 

How? A broken person is created because the individual had directly or indirectly put too much trust, belief and hope on a person (or a group of people) who was supposed to protect them. But the person (or group of people) betrays the faith/hope/ trust and completely left the broken person all naked and vulnerable to the perils of the outside world.

What? A broken person is numb, numb because of the shock that emanates because of the betrayal. The broken person wears often wears a broken smile, hidden behind a smiley mask that can only be seen by another broken person. 

Why? Because A broken person is a changed man/woman. Things are never the same way again, perhaps the trust/faith/hope is transferred to another being. Perhaps it perished away altogether. Perhaps it is hidden and will be found once more. I don't really know, I've not reached that stage yet. Ultimately, a broken person will find it hard (or never) to be happy once again. Happiness is no longer a necessity, it is more of a luxury. Something that you know you'd like to have, but you can't have it every day because it is too god damn expensive. Picking up the pieces can be a long and arduous process that nobody really should ever go through.

Back to my initial thought (I think my mental vomit has been purged out of my system), now that it had repeat itself again, what should I do? Something that is objective and non judgmental without crying wolf in front of others. 

I've decided that my principle remains - a relationship is based on 2 person's commitment. Only the 2 person can create and/or destroy the relationship. Outsiders (and I mean anyone) should not meddle inside the business. Whatever gossip it is out there, I hope that the person who heard it will bother to clarify with me instead of spreading it (knowingly or unknowingly, consciously or unconsiously, coerced or not coerced) before finding out what the truth is. I'd really thank you for your concern but I am a person whose been hurt before and I know how to react to that, but my current girlfriend is not. If you can find it in your heart to spare her the pain and hurt that I went through, I'd appreciate it very much. 

Let the lost stars remain lost, perhaps not found. But do not dim the light from those stars who are still shining...

I forgive you...

I've just finished watching the last episode of "The Mentalist" Season 6. In the show, Lisbon was leaving for DC to join her boyfriend and work there. Jane, who was always in love with Lisbon, played an elaborate prank so Lisbon can stay. In one scene, Lisbon said to Jane "You don't give a damn about what i want or need. I'm just a convenience for you, you used me.... You're so twisted up in your own dishonesty you had no idea how to act like a decent human being. No idea!" Then when Jane raced to the airplane before Lisbon's departure, he said to Lisbon "You're right, i had forgotten how to act like a normal human being. And I play games, I lie and I trick people to avoid the truth of how I feel. And the idea of letting anyone close to me is terrifying for obvious reasons."

To a certain point, I felt how Jane felt. The fact that he immersed himself in something (in this case deceit) in order to avoid the truth about how he really feels. He's been under pain previously, so much that he dare not put himself out in a vulnerable situation ever again. Why do i feel resemblance to him? Is this how i really am? Is this who I am?

This entry is intended to be dedicated to the people whom I may have hurt. People who are dear to me (most of them remains dear to me), and who chose to forgive me.

To the women I have loved and those I have lost, I apologize. I did not mean to transfer or cause pain to you, or exert my agony to any of you. I thought I could be there, for you, supporting you. But as the days come by, I may have started to pull away. It was wrong on my part, for it is easy for me to give up on myself, but it shouldn't be easy for me to give up on the relationship.

I know how difficult it is to forgive people. I have yet to forgive some people in my life. But the fact is, it takes a lot to forgive. You need to be able to convince yourself that you're OK with the situation, and have rendered yourself ready for any consequences subsequent to it. It takes a lot of generosity in forgiving. Some people just change instead of forgiving. They retreat and do not show themselves anymore, as they're afraid of getting hurt altogether (very much similar to Patrick Jane). And finally, it takes strength and courage to say "I forgive you".

So from today onwards, I promise, no more hurting. I will support those around me as much as I can. Encourage them to grow, improve and be better. No complains. If I can help them, I shall help them with as much effort. It has to be started with motivation, run by habits, and fueled by effort. No more hurting.

It dawned upon me, just recently of how numb i am. So very numb of my own feelings. I don't show them and I don't share them. It is pathetic. So very sad! I live in a world with so many people around me, people who actually cares, and yet I do not show my feelings to them or share my worries, concerns and agony with them. What kind of a person am I turning into?

Anyhow, I know that, in order for me to have the slightest glimpse of human emotions, I need to be able to convey out my feelings. I have been such a zombie that it is difficult for me to express my own feelings. It is even hard to convey them through words. Perhaps not the written type, but for the verbal type. I should try to live again, stop all these "Jane" antics and live. To share my feelings, woes, concerns and be a normal human being. Perhaps one day, I'll be able to shed tears. It is difficult to not be able to shed tears. Almost as if I'm like frankenstein.

For the two promises I have made above, I still have 6 months to realize them - Lesson 2 and 3 of 2014.

Lesson 1 of 2014...

As I lay here alone in my hotel bed, I looked up at the ceiling, folded my arms and rested my head on my 2 palms.... 

Can't help but think... "What am I doing here? What am I looking for?"...  It is kind of a rhetorical question. I literally know what I am doing here. I'm working on a project, something that I thought I wanted to do all my life. It is an opportunity, the chance of a lifetime, one of the things that I have ever wanted. But why am I asking these questions? 

I've wrote it before previously (can't remember when or how I said it, but I'll say it again)... The worst type of feeling is loneliness. And the worst type of loneliness is when, despite being with friends, loved ones, family, etc... You still feel lonely anyhow. Being amongst the crowd, that is a joy in my life. Spending time doing things with the crowd is something that I cherish nowadays. The thing is, eventually the party ends, and everybody will return to their life, and so will I. The only difference will be they return to their family and loved ones. Like a Sim, with their social bar full, and returning home to continue on their life, their real life, with their family. Then what about me? Who or what do I return to? I return to my room, a big spacious room with a bed, TV stand, some hangers for my mother's laundry, a table stand for my stuff and that's it. I look forward each and everyday when I return to the embrace of my latex bed, pillows and bolsters. And sadly, still feel lonely.

I'm turning 30 in lunar calendar year this year. Life has been more than generous to me, and the harsh thing that I will admit is... I've taken it all for granted. I've written this before and I will write it again. I've never really have to try hard at anything before. And if life gave me an opportunity to do it all over again, I'd probably do the same thing the same way, no difference than the previous. I guess it is true when people say "Life is about taking chances". I thought about it over and over again, and I figured I may have an idea of what's wrong.

They ought to change the sentence to "Life is about taking chances, and spend the rest of your life crying and smiling while being passionate about it". But what does being passionate really means? Up to this moment, the only thing that I can think of is motivation. I lack motivation in my life. Back when I was 12, I looked forward to turning 16 so I can go to the arcade during school hours (which i did eventually). When I was 16, I looked forward to turning 18 so I can buy cigarette legally (which I did, even before I turn 18). When I was 18, I looked forward to turning 21 so I can drink legally in the US (which I also did before the allowed age). So now when I turn 30, I have nothing else to look forward to. My reasons for looking forward to growing up sooner than expected was passion, a motivation, in my own way. So I figured that perhaps I should look for a motivation so I can continue being passionate about my life. Lesson #1: continue being passionate, aiming high for that goal that will keep you motivated. Passion and motivation come hand in hand, at least in my opinion. Without motivation, there will be no passion, and vice versa. Without either, you'll be lost like me.

A few days ago I dreamt that I got married. It was nice having someone taking care of me, who promises to be by my side through sickness and in health, better or worse. It gave me a sense of responsibility, It gave me a sense of belonging. For a brief 3 minutes (in the dream), I felt a whole different set of emotions. A set of emotions that I have never felt before I guess. It was a warm sense of responsibility, that I enjoy. Maybe I enjoyed it because it felt new, and I'd probably take things for granted again. But all in all, it was nice. It was about taking chances, and for that 3 minutes it felt like I was going to spend my life crying and smiling while being passionate about it. Is this a hint? Is this new motivation my calling? What does it mean? It circled in my head for a few days. I find myself looking forward to sleeping, just so I can figure it out. But yah, the subsequent nights it was filled with other things, even death. Anyway, let's not get sidetracked... I'm writing this to remind myself in the future that I have been at a low point. A lost sheep. And one day perhaps I will come back and be reminded of this situation where I were lost and on my way to find myself. 

2014 should be and will be a different year. "Only a fool will do the same things over and over again, while expecting a different result". It is time of change. I will eventually accept the fact that "change is the only constant thing in your life". And I will heed it, hopefully. For now I have to change. And if I want to stop asking the questions that I started with when I first lay on my bed, then I have to change. I have to change, find that motivation and figure out a "change" that will make me stop feeling lonely or second guessing myself. 

Tonight there's a lot of quotes in this entry. Good ones, and ones that I will remember and utilize as a principle in my life for a very long time. Hello 2014!

Maiden entry of 2014

I sort of wanted to reiterate what i meant to write yesterday, mostly about self-improvement really. What I wrote yesterday was mostly on the incidents that happened in 2013. All the happiness amongst 3 of my closest friends, but what I didn't mention was the incidents towards the end of the year. One of the most memorable event was my birthday. Parents weren't around, similar to the last 2 years, I kind of sorta gotten used to it. But what made me really proud and happy was to see the effort that my other family had contributed/came up with to celebrate the 28th years of my existence...

First there was decorations all over my table, with the words "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" printed on an A4 sized paper, letter by letter. It was accompanied by a chain of balloons all over my cubicle, with the huge "2 8" written and pasted on my laptop stand. It was a mess and I couldn't work on it. It was actually more of a "I cant bear to mess this decoration that people had so painstakingly put up". So I moved and worked at other people's work station. 

Before I had the chance to start my day, there was another surprise in the form of gifts and japchae (Korean noodles). The Korean noodles was made with PORK (as to my preference) and without soy sauce (as to the chef's preference). It was a surprise that I totally did not anticipate. It was a gift from another team "living" across the wing! It was made with love. The gift consists of a pair of sandals and snack & ladder drinking game. The color of the sandals sorta taken me aback, but it is really the thought that counts. And me, being the color blind fool when it comes to fashion, probably will not find too much problem with the color. I was surprised at this breakfast, I needed it (since I have been drinking the night before, sort of hungry and dehydrated). 

Then after the regular friday meeting, I was welcomed by yet another surprise. A cake from the team on the 5th floor. All 4 legal people (1 was absent cos she was a mother), came down and sang me a nice Birthday song. There it was, a cake of what is supposed to be in the shape of two reindeer (one is African I suppose, and the other is albino). What really surprised me was the additional accessories - a pot of flower. Apparently my buddy in the legal team made me a promise to bring me flowers last year.... I shamefully forgotten about it. But what really swept me off my feet was what happened next....

As I was distributing cakes to the other wing (people who brought me japchae), I was sort of escorted by 2 ladies (yes I'm a lucky man!) to go into one of the offices and there they presented my other birthday "cake", in the form of heineken beer cans, heineken beer bottle, Kilkenny beer bottle and a Macallan 12 Whiskey bottle. I was flabbergasted and stood rooted to the ground for a split second. "This is what I'm talking about!!!!" The bottles and cans were arranged in such a way that it represented a two-tier "cake". I cant stop smiling when I thought about the "cake", best birthday cake ever. Kudos to those who have spent time and effort in finding the booze for me. 

I spent the remaining day (after office hours obviously) to finish the cans and bottles. Even had a chance to play the snake and ladder drinking came (although everybody knows that the alcoholic inside of us dont need a reason to be drinking). The night ended with a quiet dinner with the rest of my family. What a birthday! 

All in all, I want to remember this night, the birthday in which my sister, nephew, brothers, office brothers and sisters contributed to me feeling special. Thank you all for your effort, I really really appreciate it. 

I guess that's all that I'm going to say about 2013. Now onwards to 2014, I'd like to elaborate some lessons that I'd like to learn. Let me separate it to you in 2 forms - Professionally and Personally. 

Professionally, in 2014, will be a year where it is make or break for me. I have never disappointed anyone at work, and I'm sure as hell dont plan to start doing it this year. 2014 will be filled with more responsibilities, more learning (steep learning curve that is), busier workload and demanding in terms of mental and physical strength. There are several things that I need to improve if I want a fighting chance to survive in 2014. 

First thing of all, I need to stop putting off things. Time and tide waits for no man, and so I better get that into my thick stubborn skull. Procrastination will not do me any good. It stops progress and the effect can be catastrophic, worse, it might even cause a domino effect. When you get that email, read it, open the attachment and understand it at that given time. But most importantly, give your comments/review and follow up on it. DO NOT FORGET ABOUT IT AFTER YOU SENT OUT THAT EMAIL COS IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW UP, NOBODY WILL. Listen to trance, download as many as you want, if it helps you get "in the zone" to work. 

Second thing I need to learn  is the capability to convey messages correctly. If it is difficult to communicate through written, then call them and explain accordingly. DO NOT EXPECT ANYONE TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR COMMENTS. Call the person and explain it verbally, and look for FEEDBACK to determine if your message is conveyed properly. Read self-help books and improve on your communication skill if it is necessary, after all learning will be most part of 2014.

Third thing is to learn how to lead. Be the charismatic and respected leader who always comes up with pragmatic solutions. Think critically and make the decision that you can back up consistently. For one day, you may have to come back and answer why you made that decision. When the time comes, I hope you will not just shrug and say "I DON'T KNOW, HE MADE THAT DECISION". Always take time to understand the concept/theory/reasoning so things can be remembered easily. This way, you can be accountable for a lot of things.

Fourth thing is to rediscover that passion when I first joined the company. The young (foolish to some) man who was unafraid to start new things, continuously improving the SOP and better himself. In terms of skills and knowledge, you have surpassed the man 4 years ago. And with that being said, why would you be afraid of making mistakes now. My point is, be confident of what you have learnt. The knowledge/wisdom that you have acquired and the experience will guide you a long way. Be foolish, as what steve jobbs said. The worst thing is either you made the right decision or learnt a valuable lesson. 

Continuous improvement professionally is essential for your long term career wil. Learn it! Learning is always the most difficult phase of all. But remember, you wont be who you are or where you are today if you refused to learn in the past. All in all, the worst enemy that you need to defeat is yourself. So learn Sun Tzu's quote "Know thyself, Know thy enemy (which in this case also means thyself), and you'll win every war". Spend more time for yourself. Think, write, whatever it takes to help you sort out your thoughts, and better understand yourself. Draw diagrams if you need to, as long as it leads you to the same reason. 

I guess that's all I have to say. And since I promised to be more efficient this year and learning to know myself, I shall end this entry here and continue on the personal improvement next time. I know that if I don't sleep now, I'll be late and grumpy tomorrow at work. So the next toast will be to you Sun Tzu!

Auld Lang Syne

As the year draws to an end, I'd like to just spend sometime summarizing about the things/events that occurred in 2013. It is a testimonial, if you will, to what I have gained, lost, pursued, enjoyed and missed. So many incidents happened but for me, it is the lessons that i have learned that i hold dear the most.

Little over a year ago (or was it two??), I received a birthday present from a close friend who encouraged me to continue writing, whether in the notebook she gave or in my blog. She said this blog was inspiring, and gave her updates into my life while she was away. Dear Ria, I'm sorry for disappointing you thus far, I realized that I haven't written at all in 2013 (except for this particular entry). However, I hope you'd still enjoy this entry as well. 

Thinking back to the events of 2013, 3 of my closest friends finally tied the knot. It wasn't easy, but they made it through anyway. Let's talk about R and F. Two individuals from completely different background and upbringing, united as one. They went through a lot just to be together. I have seen the sacrifices that they have made, all the long distance, all the struggles due to family objection. Basically they went through all the challenges that any couples in relationship could face plus the pressure from the people who were closest to you. R was very determined, and F supported her. They essentially supported each other, and looking back, their struggles paid off and they are living happily in a place where nobody could imagine. I talked to R a few months back, asked her a single question "Are you happy?", and she said (with her glassy and determined glance into my eyes) "Yes I am happy!". I am very happy for them.

The second couple who got married was A and A. Similar to R and F, they were a couple with different backgrounds and race. Their story is more of sacrifices after they tied the knot. Due to her husband being Caucasian and living plus working abroad, my good friend A had to move after her wedding. There, they were bestowed a beautiful baby girl, the cutest thing I've seen ever. I visited my good friend A, a month back to see how she was doing living in a different country with different climate, culture, and obviously absent of any close friends she used to hang out with, including the more fortunate lifestyle she used to lead. The lifestyle she led, in the native country of her husband, and I saw A in a different light. Despite the simple and constrained lifestyle (she was kind of immobile due to not having a license plus having a baby girl who takes up most of her time), she was indeed happy. A had to do housework, sometimes cooks, but all in all, she had to take care of her baby, not forgetting all the vices she had given up. It was a complete transformation from her part. Going from a house with gazillion number of maids, to doing things on her own. It was magnificent, I can only say that her maternal instincts truly kicked in and she changed. Out of curiosity, I asked her the same question "Are you happy?", without a doubt she replied "Yes I am truly happy!". At that moment, I knew that A had lived up to her decision and fought for her happiness. Congratulations!

The last couple who got married was D and A. Fortunately, I was given the task as a best man for this one. D, was my very good friend whom I met in college. The lesson that I've learnt from D was that you don't need to marry the love of your life, you just have to marry someone whom you can build a sustainable relationship with, someone who you can stand (duh!) and talk to even when he/she is pissed. Someone, whom you will be able to confide, and love despite a fight just a minute ago. A took care of the wedding (and I've mentioned this in their best man's speech). She took care of the bridesmaid, catering, hotel, decoration, EVERYTHING. And D, being who D is, took care of a simple alcohol purchases for the after party (D is very good with alcohol, so A decided to give D the task of handling what he knows best), which he eventually sub-contracted to me, thus leaving him with nothing else but to just show up for the wedding. LOL! Now, in their speech, i asked the audience what D took care for the wedding? I don't think anybody guessed correctly, but the correct answer was "D took care of A" since no matter how frustrated A was, D was always there to remove her pressure. D was there to buffer herself against the world that A have to face everyday, and for that I salute them. I haven't asked D if he was happy or not, maybe I will if they ever decide to quit their honeymoon/travelling sometime next year. Somehow I kind of anticipated that D will say "Sure, why not?" and A is definitely going to say "Yes, I'm happy!", but i'll try to ask just for the heck of it to see if I'm correct. 

The lessons that I've learned out of these 3 marriages are actually quite simple. Sacrifices, patience, belief, and building a sustainable relationship. Neither of them walked away upon the threat of perils. Neither of them pulled out of their commitment. They have decided to be happy, and so they are en route to a lifetime of joy.

That being said, the lessons of 2013 has been learnt. Other things include hatred, and forgiveness. I am usually a man who forgets things easily, even the most important things. If you don't hurt me deep enough, be quite sure that you will escape from my wrath rather easily. I believe some people deserve second chances, actually most people, but 2013 has taught me otherwise. 

I have been betrayed by my closest company this year. I've asked myself if i could find it in my heart to forgive, but to no avail. It is difficult for me to give a repenting opportunity to someone whom I used to hold so dear, and now is a total stranger to me. I refused to spend time, or look him/her in the eye anymore. I have put in my trust, faith and belief for that person to not hurt me, but he/she did anyway. Even after that, no apologies. No apologies for the mess he/she has caused, the life/lives he/she has ruined, and ultimately the scars that he/she have made for me and another person. I can't bring myself to think about being merciful and forgiving. This year, i admit defeat to trying to forgive this particular individual who have hurt me, and I condemn any attempt to convince me otherwise. To everyone else, I will start the new year of 2014 with forgiveness, and I hope you will forgive me as well. 

2013 has been a fun year filled with travelling. To Paris, Bordeaux, Clermont-Ferrand, Brno, Venice, Prague, Dubai, Singapore, Bangkok, Yogyakarta, and Bali. I have spent some of the happiest (and sometimes drunken) days during these visits. To all my friends and colleagues, I salute you, thank you for the wonderful experience and beg for your forgiveness if I had done any mistakes in the past. 

2014 will be a year full of challenges, and I have identified certain qualities that I need to fix. Including blogging. My writing skills have deteriorated so much. I will continue reading, writing and of course having fun with all my loved ones. Not forgetting to continue sharing what I've learnt. 

Thank you 2013, you have been very kind. Now I look forward to 2014, to start afresh with new mindset and spirit.

MuCh ThOuGhTs To Be ApPrEciAtEd....

Dear all, it's been a while since i last wrote. Doesn't mean that things doesn't go through my head. Sometimes it really takes a moment of inspiration and a stroke of genius to write. I have wrote some of my thoughts down, but never had the time to finish it... think of it like a path that I have not completed... One day... I shall complete it...

Title: "How Do you Feel?"
Date: Unknown, but should be in early January 2011...
Content:
How does it feel? If one moment you're in one person's life, and the next moment you're out of it. How does it feel? You're like a passer-by now, needy of information but at the same time deprived of it. How does it feel? Like a famished kid, reaching out for the steamed bun but for your hand to swat aside just before you get it. How does it feel?

Perhaps my greatest fear is to be set aside, abandoned, no longer have the privilege to know more information about you. I'm jailed, separated from your life. I'm curious, but no longer have the rights to know.

Title: "Spring into Life"
Date: Spring 2011
Content:
Technically, I began writing this entry on the 1st day of the lunar new year. Have been thinking abt a concept since before though. But a series of event has occurred that finally evoked my emotion to comment. I need to ponder abt these thoughts for a while as well...

Yesterday, a colleague's acquaintance committed suicide. and today, I just found out that one of my best friend's grandma just passed away. The two events reminded me how fragile life is. It can exist one day and be gone another. What are the chances that my life will be over tomorrow? The two deaths can symbolize a lot of things, depending on how you look at it. For some, it may mark the end of a person's life.

I hope that this post will give me enthusiasm to write further.....

GiGgLiNg At OtHeR's WoEs...

Now, plagiarizing has been fun, why don't we take a look at this poor soul's continuation of his story and share his grief for a second? 

Enjoy....

"When I see you smile - Bad English



(verse one)
Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through
Through this world
without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue 
Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach out for me 
Sometimes I wanna give up
Wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
AND ONE LOOK AT YOU BABY 
can make everything all right
can make everything alright

(chorus)
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining
right through the rain
When I see you smile
Baby when I see you smile at me 
Oh yeah 

(verse 2)
Baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do
What the touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew
ooooohhhh 
And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it
Cause you're here with me
AND ONE LOOK AT YOU BABY
It's all I'll ever need
All I'll ever need 

When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining
right through the rain
When I see you smile
Baby when I see you smile at me 

(bridge)
Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
Then one look at you baby
can make everything alright
can make everything alright
It's alright 

(chorus)
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything (that i can do anything)
When I see you smile (when i see you smile)
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining
right through the rain (baby when i see you smile)
Yeah
When I see you smile
Yeah I can face the world (everyday)
Oh you know I can do anything (everyday)
When I see you smile
Oh yeah
Baby when I see you smile at me 
when i see you smile.. baby when i see you smile..
aaaattt me.. 

I'll be over you - TOTO

Some people live their dreams 
Some people close their eyes
Some people's destiny
Passes by

There are no guarantees
There are no alibis
That's how our love must be
Don't ask why

Bridge:
It takes some time
God knows how long
I know that I can forget you

As soon as my heart stops breakin'
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
I'll be over you

Remembering times gone by
Promises we once made
What are the reasons why
Nothing stays the same

Bridge:
There were the nights holding you close
Someday I'll try to forget them
Someday I'll be over you

I don't even know where to begin writing this. It is official, we have to part ways. The ring that once meant so much to me had to be retired. Not because it had made an unforgivable mistake, but because it had served me so well, kept me out of trouble - protected me, gave me so much strength, even saved my finger on several occasions. It had always been my guardian angel, the protector that kept me safe and loyal to its owner. A memento, if you will, of a wonderful friendship, dependency, connection, emotional reliance, companionship and love symbol. A talisman that I kissed everytime trouble caught up with me, a reassurance that I have to believe that I'll be alright, a reminder for me to have faith within myself and suceed. It was my pillar of support and I pinned my life onto it. 

As I gave the loyal buddy a long hard stare, I can't help but to feel lost. For the first time in a long time, I've been given another blow to recover from. A blow that probably has enough magnitude to explode myself from the within. It all begins at the heart, and when it makes its way into your major organs, you're doomed. Illness will come repetitiously, problems will be overwhelming, and it is just a matter of seconds before the body overloads and attempt to protect itself through mental breakdown. I stared blankly at the cold piece of metal, such a burden to just let it go, I can't bear to leave it. 

Eventually I closed my eyes, give the bond symbol a last kiss, and threw it out as far as I could. The wind will take it, the ocean waves will bring it, to its last destination. I did it all with a heap load of regret. A burden that I know I can't handle by myself. But no matter what, life goes on. 

It is the end. Might be the mark of a new beginning, but I'll grief for now. My heart is dead, feelings numb, body lifeless, mind helpless, vision listless. 

I could have kept the ring as a keepsake. It can remind me of the times that I experience the best of my life. The golden years that had passed me by. There was no more us, all that remains is just me. 

You did ask me, as a last attempt of saving our relationship, "what is it that you need from me?". Many answers came up to my mind, but it all spiralled to just one word - support.

Yes, I needed your support. It's not that I've waited too long for you to get better. I did, at times, wish that you were stronger than me. Protect me the way the ring protected me. Give my heart a sense of belonging, and security. Yes, the age reversal process do happen. You know this fact more than anybody else, and you didn't know. The answer is actually really simple. For all the time that we've been together, all I needed was just your support. Yet sometimes when we talk about this, all I hear was "I don't know how to" or " that is just not me, how do you expect me to be somebody I'm not."

I've never been angry at you. Nor have I ever blamed you for everything that went wrong. I've always said it was more of disappointment than rage. Reciprocation is a major thing in this connection. I wanted to have you protect me the way I've protected you. 

I'm not saying that I don't make mistakes in the relationship. I do. Perhaps I just can't see beyond the fact that you're trying. Maybe my standard was too high. What if I was the one who was oblivious to the fact that you actually put in effort to this relationship? I'm sorry. It's all I can say. I've expected too much from you.

I've brought this upon myself. Undoubtedly. I did. I've played a major part in the destruction of this production. I am the ultimate destroyer of what could have been the best relationship I could ever have. I shouldn't have started this relationship. The pain is just too much for me to handle.

With this, I shall end this final entry. Another teardrop, another heavy heartbeat. I might get over this, but we shall see. For now, I grief... Good bye ring."