I forgive you...

I've just finished watching the last episode of "The Mentalist" Season 6. In the show, Lisbon was leaving for DC to join her boyfriend and work there. Jane, who was always in love with Lisbon, played an elaborate prank so Lisbon can stay. In one scene, Lisbon said to Jane "You don't give a damn about what i want or need. I'm just a convenience for you, you used me.... You're so twisted up in your own dishonesty you had no idea how to act like a decent human being. No idea!" Then when Jane raced to the airplane before Lisbon's departure, he said to Lisbon "You're right, i had forgotten how to act like a normal human being. And I play games, I lie and I trick people to avoid the truth of how I feel. And the idea of letting anyone close to me is terrifying for obvious reasons."

To a certain point, I felt how Jane felt. The fact that he immersed himself in something (in this case deceit) in order to avoid the truth about how he really feels. He's been under pain previously, so much that he dare not put himself out in a vulnerable situation ever again. Why do i feel resemblance to him? Is this how i really am? Is this who I am?

This entry is intended to be dedicated to the people whom I may have hurt. People who are dear to me (most of them remains dear to me), and who chose to forgive me.

To the women I have loved and those I have lost, I apologize. I did not mean to transfer or cause pain to you, or exert my agony to any of you. I thought I could be there, for you, supporting you. But as the days come by, I may have started to pull away. It was wrong on my part, for it is easy for me to give up on myself, but it shouldn't be easy for me to give up on the relationship.

I know how difficult it is to forgive people. I have yet to forgive some people in my life. But the fact is, it takes a lot to forgive. You need to be able to convince yourself that you're OK with the situation, and have rendered yourself ready for any consequences subsequent to it. It takes a lot of generosity in forgiving. Some people just change instead of forgiving. They retreat and do not show themselves anymore, as they're afraid of getting hurt altogether (very much similar to Patrick Jane). And finally, it takes strength and courage to say "I forgive you".

So from today onwards, I promise, no more hurting. I will support those around me as much as I can. Encourage them to grow, improve and be better. No complains. If I can help them, I shall help them with as much effort. It has to be started with motivation, run by habits, and fueled by effort. No more hurting.

It dawned upon me, just recently of how numb i am. So very numb of my own feelings. I don't show them and I don't share them. It is pathetic. So very sad! I live in a world with so many people around me, people who actually cares, and yet I do not show my feelings to them or share my worries, concerns and agony with them. What kind of a person am I turning into?

Anyhow, I know that, in order for me to have the slightest glimpse of human emotions, I need to be able to convey out my feelings. I have been such a zombie that it is difficult for me to express my own feelings. It is even hard to convey them through words. Perhaps not the written type, but for the verbal type. I should try to live again, stop all these "Jane" antics and live. To share my feelings, woes, concerns and be a normal human being. Perhaps one day, I'll be able to shed tears. It is difficult to not be able to shed tears. Almost as if I'm like frankenstein.

For the two promises I have made above, I still have 6 months to realize them - Lesson 2 and 3 of 2014.

Lesson 1 of 2014...

As I lay here alone in my hotel bed, I looked up at the ceiling, folded my arms and rested my head on my 2 palms.... 

Can't help but think... "What am I doing here? What am I looking for?"...  It is kind of a rhetorical question. I literally know what I am doing here. I'm working on a project, something that I thought I wanted to do all my life. It is an opportunity, the chance of a lifetime, one of the things that I have ever wanted. But why am I asking these questions? 

I've wrote it before previously (can't remember when or how I said it, but I'll say it again)... The worst type of feeling is loneliness. And the worst type of loneliness is when, despite being with friends, loved ones, family, etc... You still feel lonely anyhow. Being amongst the crowd, that is a joy in my life. Spending time doing things with the crowd is something that I cherish nowadays. The thing is, eventually the party ends, and everybody will return to their life, and so will I. The only difference will be they return to their family and loved ones. Like a Sim, with their social bar full, and returning home to continue on their life, their real life, with their family. Then what about me? Who or what do I return to? I return to my room, a big spacious room with a bed, TV stand, some hangers for my mother's laundry, a table stand for my stuff and that's it. I look forward each and everyday when I return to the embrace of my latex bed, pillows and bolsters. And sadly, still feel lonely.

I'm turning 30 in lunar calendar year this year. Life has been more than generous to me, and the harsh thing that I will admit is... I've taken it all for granted. I've written this before and I will write it again. I've never really have to try hard at anything before. And if life gave me an opportunity to do it all over again, I'd probably do the same thing the same way, no difference than the previous. I guess it is true when people say "Life is about taking chances". I thought about it over and over again, and I figured I may have an idea of what's wrong.

They ought to change the sentence to "Life is about taking chances, and spend the rest of your life crying and smiling while being passionate about it". But what does being passionate really means? Up to this moment, the only thing that I can think of is motivation. I lack motivation in my life. Back when I was 12, I looked forward to turning 16 so I can go to the arcade during school hours (which i did eventually). When I was 16, I looked forward to turning 18 so I can buy cigarette legally (which I did, even before I turn 18). When I was 18, I looked forward to turning 21 so I can drink legally in the US (which I also did before the allowed age). So now when I turn 30, I have nothing else to look forward to. My reasons for looking forward to growing up sooner than expected was passion, a motivation, in my own way. So I figured that perhaps I should look for a motivation so I can continue being passionate about my life. Lesson #1: continue being passionate, aiming high for that goal that will keep you motivated. Passion and motivation come hand in hand, at least in my opinion. Without motivation, there will be no passion, and vice versa. Without either, you'll be lost like me.

A few days ago I dreamt that I got married. It was nice having someone taking care of me, who promises to be by my side through sickness and in health, better or worse. It gave me a sense of responsibility, It gave me a sense of belonging. For a brief 3 minutes (in the dream), I felt a whole different set of emotions. A set of emotions that I have never felt before I guess. It was a warm sense of responsibility, that I enjoy. Maybe I enjoyed it because it felt new, and I'd probably take things for granted again. But all in all, it was nice. It was about taking chances, and for that 3 minutes it felt like I was going to spend my life crying and smiling while being passionate about it. Is this a hint? Is this new motivation my calling? What does it mean? It circled in my head for a few days. I find myself looking forward to sleeping, just so I can figure it out. But yah, the subsequent nights it was filled with other things, even death. Anyway, let's not get sidetracked... I'm writing this to remind myself in the future that I have been at a low point. A lost sheep. And one day perhaps I will come back and be reminded of this situation where I were lost and on my way to find myself. 

2014 should be and will be a different year. "Only a fool will do the same things over and over again, while expecting a different result". It is time of change. I will eventually accept the fact that "change is the only constant thing in your life". And I will heed it, hopefully. For now I have to change. And if I want to stop asking the questions that I started with when I first lay on my bed, then I have to change. I have to change, find that motivation and figure out a "change" that will make me stop feeling lonely or second guessing myself. 

Tonight there's a lot of quotes in this entry. Good ones, and ones that I will remember and utilize as a principle in my life for a very long time. Hello 2014!

Maiden entry of 2014

I sort of wanted to reiterate what i meant to write yesterday, mostly about self-improvement really. What I wrote yesterday was mostly on the incidents that happened in 2013. All the happiness amongst 3 of my closest friends, but what I didn't mention was the incidents towards the end of the year. One of the most memorable event was my birthday. Parents weren't around, similar to the last 2 years, I kind of sorta gotten used to it. But what made me really proud and happy was to see the effort that my other family had contributed/came up with to celebrate the 28th years of my existence...

First there was decorations all over my table, with the words "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" printed on an A4 sized paper, letter by letter. It was accompanied by a chain of balloons all over my cubicle, with the huge "2 8" written and pasted on my laptop stand. It was a mess and I couldn't work on it. It was actually more of a "I cant bear to mess this decoration that people had so painstakingly put up". So I moved and worked at other people's work station. 

Before I had the chance to start my day, there was another surprise in the form of gifts and japchae (Korean noodles). The Korean noodles was made with PORK (as to my preference) and without soy sauce (as to the chef's preference). It was a surprise that I totally did not anticipate. It was a gift from another team "living" across the wing! It was made with love. The gift consists of a pair of sandals and snack & ladder drinking game. The color of the sandals sorta taken me aback, but it is really the thought that counts. And me, being the color blind fool when it comes to fashion, probably will not find too much problem with the color. I was surprised at this breakfast, I needed it (since I have been drinking the night before, sort of hungry and dehydrated). 

Then after the regular friday meeting, I was welcomed by yet another surprise. A cake from the team on the 5th floor. All 4 legal people (1 was absent cos she was a mother), came down and sang me a nice Birthday song. There it was, a cake of what is supposed to be in the shape of two reindeer (one is African I suppose, and the other is albino). What really surprised me was the additional accessories - a pot of flower. Apparently my buddy in the legal team made me a promise to bring me flowers last year.... I shamefully forgotten about it. But what really swept me off my feet was what happened next....

As I was distributing cakes to the other wing (people who brought me japchae), I was sort of escorted by 2 ladies (yes I'm a lucky man!) to go into one of the offices and there they presented my other birthday "cake", in the form of heineken beer cans, heineken beer bottle, Kilkenny beer bottle and a Macallan 12 Whiskey bottle. I was flabbergasted and stood rooted to the ground for a split second. "This is what I'm talking about!!!!" The bottles and cans were arranged in such a way that it represented a two-tier "cake". I cant stop smiling when I thought about the "cake", best birthday cake ever. Kudos to those who have spent time and effort in finding the booze for me. 

I spent the remaining day (after office hours obviously) to finish the cans and bottles. Even had a chance to play the snake and ladder drinking came (although everybody knows that the alcoholic inside of us dont need a reason to be drinking). The night ended with a quiet dinner with the rest of my family. What a birthday! 

All in all, I want to remember this night, the birthday in which my sister, nephew, brothers, office brothers and sisters contributed to me feeling special. Thank you all for your effort, I really really appreciate it. 

I guess that's all that I'm going to say about 2013. Now onwards to 2014, I'd like to elaborate some lessons that I'd like to learn. Let me separate it to you in 2 forms - Professionally and Personally. 

Professionally, in 2014, will be a year where it is make or break for me. I have never disappointed anyone at work, and I'm sure as hell dont plan to start doing it this year. 2014 will be filled with more responsibilities, more learning (steep learning curve that is), busier workload and demanding in terms of mental and physical strength. There are several things that I need to improve if I want a fighting chance to survive in 2014. 

First thing of all, I need to stop putting off things. Time and tide waits for no man, and so I better get that into my thick stubborn skull. Procrastination will not do me any good. It stops progress and the effect can be catastrophic, worse, it might even cause a domino effect. When you get that email, read it, open the attachment and understand it at that given time. But most importantly, give your comments/review and follow up on it. DO NOT FORGET ABOUT IT AFTER YOU SENT OUT THAT EMAIL COS IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW UP, NOBODY WILL. Listen to trance, download as many as you want, if it helps you get "in the zone" to work. 

Second thing I need to learn  is the capability to convey messages correctly. If it is difficult to communicate through written, then call them and explain accordingly. DO NOT EXPECT ANYONE TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR COMMENTS. Call the person and explain it verbally, and look for FEEDBACK to determine if your message is conveyed properly. Read self-help books and improve on your communication skill if it is necessary, after all learning will be most part of 2014.

Third thing is to learn how to lead. Be the charismatic and respected leader who always comes up with pragmatic solutions. Think critically and make the decision that you can back up consistently. For one day, you may have to come back and answer why you made that decision. When the time comes, I hope you will not just shrug and say "I DON'T KNOW, HE MADE THAT DECISION". Always take time to understand the concept/theory/reasoning so things can be remembered easily. This way, you can be accountable for a lot of things.

Fourth thing is to rediscover that passion when I first joined the company. The young (foolish to some) man who was unafraid to start new things, continuously improving the SOP and better himself. In terms of skills and knowledge, you have surpassed the man 4 years ago. And with that being said, why would you be afraid of making mistakes now. My point is, be confident of what you have learnt. The knowledge/wisdom that you have acquired and the experience will guide you a long way. Be foolish, as what steve jobbs said. The worst thing is either you made the right decision or learnt a valuable lesson. 

Continuous improvement professionally is essential for your long term career wil. Learn it! Learning is always the most difficult phase of all. But remember, you wont be who you are or where you are today if you refused to learn in the past. All in all, the worst enemy that you need to defeat is yourself. So learn Sun Tzu's quote "Know thyself, Know thy enemy (which in this case also means thyself), and you'll win every war". Spend more time for yourself. Think, write, whatever it takes to help you sort out your thoughts, and better understand yourself. Draw diagrams if you need to, as long as it leads you to the same reason. 

I guess that's all I have to say. And since I promised to be more efficient this year and learning to know myself, I shall end this entry here and continue on the personal improvement next time. I know that if I don't sleep now, I'll be late and grumpy tomorrow at work. So the next toast will be to you Sun Tzu!