I've just finished watching the last episode of "The Mentalist" Season 6. In the show, Lisbon was leaving for DC to join her boyfriend and work there. Jane, who was always in love with Lisbon, played an elaborate prank so Lisbon can stay. In one scene, Lisbon said to Jane "You don't give a damn about what i want or need. I'm just a convenience for you, you used me.... You're so twisted up in your own dishonesty you had no idea how to act like a decent human being. No idea!" Then when Jane raced to the airplane before Lisbon's departure, he said to Lisbon "You're right, i had forgotten how to act like a normal human being. And I play games, I lie and I trick people to avoid the truth of how I feel. And the idea of letting anyone close to me is terrifying for obvious reasons."
To a certain point, I felt how Jane felt. The fact that he immersed himself in something (in this case deceit) in order to avoid the truth about how he really feels. He's been under pain previously, so much that he dare not put himself out in a vulnerable situation ever again. Why do i feel resemblance to him? Is this how i really am? Is this who I am?
This entry is intended to be dedicated to the people whom I may have hurt. People who are dear to me (most of them remains dear to me), and who chose to forgive me.
To the women I have loved and those I have lost, I apologize. I did not mean to transfer or cause pain to you, or exert my agony to any of you. I thought I could be there, for you, supporting you. But as the days come by, I may have started to pull away. It was wrong on my part, for it is easy for me to give up on myself, but it shouldn't be easy for me to give up on the relationship.
I know how difficult it is to forgive people. I have yet to forgive some people in my life. But the fact is, it takes a lot to forgive. You need to be able to convince yourself that you're OK with the situation, and have rendered yourself ready for any consequences subsequent to it. It takes a lot of generosity in forgiving. Some people just change instead of forgiving. They retreat and do not show themselves anymore, as they're afraid of getting hurt altogether (very much similar to Patrick Jane). And finally, it takes strength and courage to say "I forgive you".
So from today onwards, I promise, no more hurting. I will support those around me as much as I can. Encourage them to grow, improve and be better. No complains. If I can help them, I shall help them with as much effort. It has to be started with motivation, run by habits, and fueled by effort. No more hurting.
It dawned upon me, just recently of how numb i am. So very numb of my own feelings. I don't show them and I don't share them. It is pathetic. So very sad! I live in a world with so many people around me, people who actually cares, and yet I do not show my feelings to them or share my worries, concerns and agony with them. What kind of a person am I turning into?
Anyhow, I know that, in order for me to have the slightest glimpse of human emotions, I need to be able to convey out my feelings. I have been such a zombie that it is difficult for me to express my own feelings. It is even hard to convey them through words. Perhaps not the written type, but for the verbal type. I should try to live again, stop all these "Jane" antics and live. To share my feelings, woes, concerns and be a normal human being. Perhaps one day, I'll be able to shed tears. It is difficult to not be able to shed tears. Almost as if I'm like frankenstein.
For the two promises I have made above, I still have 6 months to realize them - Lesson 2 and 3 of 2014.
