As I lay here alone in my hotel bed, I looked up at the ceiling, folded my arms and rested my head on my 2 palms....
Can't help but think... "What am I doing here? What am I looking for?"... It is kind of a rhetorical question. I literally know what I am doing here. I'm working on a project, something that I thought I wanted to do all my life. It is an opportunity, the chance of a lifetime, one of the things that I have ever wanted. But why am I asking these questions?
I've wrote it before previously (can't remember when or how I said it, but I'll say it again)... The worst type of feeling is loneliness. And the worst type of loneliness is when, despite being with friends, loved ones, family, etc... You still feel lonely anyhow. Being amongst the crowd, that is a joy in my life. Spending time doing things with the crowd is something that I cherish nowadays. The thing is, eventually the party ends, and everybody will return to their life, and so will I. The only difference will be they return to their family and loved ones. Like a Sim, with their social bar full, and returning home to continue on their life, their real life, with their family. Then what about me? Who or what do I return to? I return to my room, a big spacious room with a bed, TV stand, some hangers for my mother's laundry, a table stand for my stuff and that's it. I look forward each and everyday when I return to the embrace of my latex bed, pillows and bolsters. And sadly, still feel lonely.
I'm turning 30 in lunar calendar year this year. Life has been more than generous to me, and the harsh thing that I will admit is... I've taken it all for granted. I've written this before and I will write it again. I've never really have to try hard at anything before. And if life gave me an opportunity to do it all over again, I'd probably do the same thing the same way, no difference than the previous. I guess it is true when people say "Life is about taking chances". I thought about it over and over again, and I figured I may have an idea of what's wrong.
They ought to change the sentence to "Life is about taking chances, and spend the rest of your life crying and smiling while being passionate about it". But what does being passionate really means? Up to this moment, the only thing that I can think of is motivation. I lack motivation in my life. Back when I was 12, I looked forward to turning 16 so I can go to the arcade during school hours (which i did eventually). When I was 16, I looked forward to turning 18 so I can buy cigarette legally (which I did, even before I turn 18). When I was 18, I looked forward to turning 21 so I can drink legally in the US (which I also did before the allowed age). So now when I turn 30, I have nothing else to look forward to. My reasons for looking forward to growing up sooner than expected was passion, a motivation, in my own way. So I figured that perhaps I should look for a motivation so I can continue being passionate about my life. Lesson #1: continue being passionate, aiming high for that goal that will keep you motivated. Passion and motivation come hand in hand, at least in my opinion. Without motivation, there will be no passion, and vice versa. Without either, you'll be lost like me.
A few days ago I dreamt that I got married. It was nice having someone taking care of me, who promises to be by my side through sickness and in health, better or worse. It gave me a sense of responsibility, It gave me a sense of belonging. For a brief 3 minutes (in the dream), I felt a whole different set of emotions. A set of emotions that I have never felt before I guess. It was a warm sense of responsibility, that I enjoy. Maybe I enjoyed it because it felt new, and I'd probably take things for granted again. But all in all, it was nice. It was about taking chances, and for that 3 minutes it felt like I was going to spend my life crying and smiling while being passionate about it. Is this a hint? Is this new motivation my calling? What does it mean? It circled in my head for a few days. I find myself looking forward to sleeping, just so I can figure it out. But yah, the subsequent nights it was filled with other things, even death. Anyway, let's not get sidetracked... I'm writing this to remind myself in the future that I have been at a low point. A lost sheep. And one day perhaps I will come back and be reminded of this situation where I were lost and on my way to find myself.
2014 should be and will be a different year. "Only a fool will do the same things over and over again, while expecting a different result". It is time of change. I will eventually accept the fact that "change is the only constant thing in your life". And I will heed it, hopefully. For now I have to change. And if I want to stop asking the questions that I started with when I first lay on my bed, then I have to change. I have to change, find that motivation and figure out a "change" that will make me stop feeling lonely or second guessing myself.
Tonight there's a lot of quotes in this entry. Good ones, and ones that I will remember and utilize as a principle in my life for a very long time. Hello 2014!
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