It's been a long time since I've last updated my blog. I have two unfinished entries waiting for me to complete. I guess I will complete them when I get the groove back on. Inspirations come and go, but to return to your initial spark of enlightenment is almost as hard as winning the lottery. I personally never won any, perhaps because I never tried it, but in everyday lives there is something that people like to call raffle prizes. Never got any of those too, so I figured that I'll never get a chance to win it anyway, why bother trying?
Life's just like that. Sometimes you try to increase your chances of winning, just like buying more raffle tickets. But when your foul luck plays, you're not gonna get it. That's why there are people who are actually employed to work with statistics all day long. The best you can do it to increase the amount of chances you have so that you have a decent figure to at least get a consolation prize. When you don't get it, you'll think that you have done your best and maybe you're just down on your luck. But what if you really wanted it? These privileges are not for the common people. Seriously not! Some people won the lottery and they think that they can finally live a life that they have wished their lifetime for. But is it the kind of turnout that they had expected? People go on and redeem their prizes, expecting an improvement in their condition of life. But many of them actually go bankrupt, divorced or even both. When that happens, you'd think twice if this was the life that you had wanted prior to winning that lottery? It may not be that much of a blessing in the end. Sometimes it just hurts you so bad and you'll end worse than where you begun. Now, is it really worth it?
On the other hand, there are indeed people who stays firm of the ground without even the slightest thought of leaping into the sky and staying there. They live honestly and obtained their means in life with integrity. They tried their hardest to improve their lives steadily. These are the people who endured through all sorts of setbacks and bullshits in their life. Despite the fluctuation, they still manage to improve and get a decent position. May not be where they wanted, but these are actually the people who aren't afraid to lose. If they lose, at most they start where they began, seldom worse; but my point is, they can handle it. If you were at the crossroads of your life, and you have to make the decision between the two, which will you choose?
I've been looking at the people around me. Similar to some of my friends, I feel inferior to them. I know that there are way more people more inferior to me, but that view is often ignored by the naked heart. All my life, I've been looking up. I want to leap that high, not too much higher than where I'm from. It is a decent distance, a very reasonable leap, at least in my opinion. But here I am, 3 months out of College, still jobless. The word ACHIEVEMENTS is burned in my mind. Where are they? I ask myself that question everyday. What have I done so far that can make me proud? What have I done recently that can be considered as an achievement?
To many people, graduating college is an achievement. Graduating college with a Chemical Engineering Degree is an achievement. Graduating college with a Chemical Engineering Degree and a published research paper is an achievement. To me, sadly, they are not. I have graduated through most of the educational institution with decent grades. If anybody asked me if they were hard, I'd say they're not. I believe I could have faired better than what I have obtained. I just didn't put in as much effort as I should. I'm not being an ass and boasting here. I'm actually pretty ashamed at the amount of effort I actually bothered to put in. I could have done better, seriously. So much better than I ever could. But do I regret my actions? Disappointingly, I'm not! I should be disappointed, but I'm not! If I could repeat the same process all over again with this knowledge, would I have done it any better? Unfortunately, the answer that I have is "No, I won't. I would have proceeded with the same amount of effort I had previously put in." Now where is the damn motivation in that? Where is the reflect and repent attitude I have been trying to instill in my character? I'm deeply ashamed with what myself. No achievement, no character.
I just hope that this is the end of my weakness and hope that next year I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror and say, hey dude, here's something you should be proud of. However, I have the feeling that I, just like any other human being, will continue to look up and never treat what I have done below as an achievement. We'll see...
Someday, this is going to catch up to me. Someday...
Karma's a bitch! I'm afraid of it, nevertheless....
The world has experienced a rising amount of quakes recently. I'm not attributing this to pollution, cos it is not related at all. You can only blame it on plate tectonics movement. My heart goes to sally's friend Ipu, who has siblings and loved ones in Samoa. God bless them and I hope they are safe and can be contacted by Ipu as soon as possible. As for those who experienced the quake in west Sumatra and its surroundings, including Singapore, I hope all is well. I hope that those who needs help will get it before they heave their last breath and leave this earth to a better place....
