This blog post is essentially written to help me filter out all the jargons that I have in my head. My purpose is clear and for one thing only... that is to be objective and not follow the others through the path of subjective attacks. When people hurt you, it is always tempting to revert back at them with the same or more amount of pain. That's what I'm trying to subdue at this stage, I have too much pent up anger that needs an outlet.
What makes a broken person? How does a broken person behave? These are the questions that is going through my mind. At this stage, I want to write with my heart, and then later on I'll separate the objective against the subjective, facts again opinions, and perhaps at that stage I might be able to filter things out.
Let's start, a broken person is someone who had their hopes and self confidence shattered. Shattered is not even close to describing what a broken person went through. Perhaps its more of shattered, trampled on and then trashed. Something that is shattered, trampled on, trashed and incinerated is not even remotely close to what a broken person is. Let's try again. A broken person is someone who had their trust betrayed, and their support system eliminated. When a building has its truss, steel frame and concrete removed, what do you have left? Definitely not a skyscrapper of course. That's pretty how much it is I guess.
I've always said that an object is valuable if many people gives it value. A $20 bill, no matter how crumpled or dirty it is, retains its value. But when the world decides that the dollar is no longer the most influential and widely used currency in the world, the $20 will retain its value of $20, but nobody will actually use it, and people will desert it. A celebrity can be famous overnight as long as there are enough people who gives them "value" and "approval". Likewise, the said celebrity can lose all his/her fame if enough people decides to leave and not be part of the groupie. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how the world operates todays. Nowadays people rely on others' "approvals" in order to feel good about themselves. The currency of today is the number of likes on facebook or the number of views on youtue, or the number of followers of twitters. For me, I don't need all the 3 things I've just mentioned. 3-4 years ago, I only need 1 single approval from 1 single person in order to determine that all I've done in life is worth it. Today, I don't need that approval from the said person anymore.
Rewind and look at the last 3-4 years, what has happened? Let's see, it all started with a simple commitment. A relationship that, in my definition, based on the commitment of 2 people. The commitment that should be agreed and implemented between two people, without the influence of outsiders. Outsiders meaning anyone (no exceptions!) who is outside of the 2 people in the relationship. This relationship went well at first, family were welcoming. But somehow communication malfunction, all of a sudden family disagreed and the situation can't be rectified. Some rumors (obviously it is untrue!) were spread, I don't know who it were from and I ignored it because I know it was untrue. I've asked for proof, and there weren't any given for whatever (ridiculous) reasons I don't know. So, what happened was I decided that the rumor was to be ignored and the rumor grew to be bigger than me. I've tried to explain, but nobody believed me. Try replacing the word "nobody" in the previous sentence to "my family". Nobody in the family believed me. I've asked for proof again and I was ignored. At that point of time, I've announced to myself that I'm in this state because I let them to have the power to do so. I realized that I've put too much faith and trust in them, so much that their words carry so much weight on me.
I was affected tremendously by the gossips that they allegedly had proof on. I was told to break up with my then girlfriend because of rumors that is so ridiculous that it is almost too good to be true. At the lowest tide of my life, I've learnt that family does not mean ohana, family does mean that someone gets left behind. Family (and extended family) is of course a good source of support due to the massive nature of the family. But when you're on the other end, the massive nature can backfire and instead you're being put under so much pressure. Imagine a catapult. The family (and extended family) is the force that pulls the catapult backwards. This scenario is great when you're the one who's on the attack. What if the situation became the opposite and you're the one on defence. Same amount of force, but with entirely different result. That's how I felt at the lowest point of my life. Dejected, betrayed, backstabbed and ultimately alone. The people whom I thought will protect me turns out to be the people who hurt me the most. Every single family member that I meet wants to meddle into my own business, my own commitment.
Let me tell you something about people who's trying to tell you what to do. Don't let them make the decision for you! First of all, they only see the situation from their point of view, they do not feel the way that you do, they do not have to go through all the decision that you've made. When things goes well, they take credit. But when things goes south, they are nowhere to be found. You will have to go through the consequences of the decision alone, because nobody will want to suffer with you. Not that I agree that they should suffer with you, you shouldn't allow them to do so as well. What I'm trying to say is that get inputs (yes!) from the people that you trust or listens to, and then weigh the differences and make your decision. Never, and I repeat, NEVER! let other's tell you what decision you should make.
And so a broken person was born.
How? A broken person is created because the individual had directly or indirectly put too much trust, belief and hope on a person (or a group of people) who was supposed to protect them. But the person (or group of people) betrays the faith/hope/ trust and completely left the broken person all naked and vulnerable to the perils of the outside world.
What? A broken person is numb, numb because of the shock that emanates because of the betrayal. The broken person wears often wears a broken smile, hidden behind a smiley mask that can only be seen by another broken person.
Why? Because A broken person is a changed man/woman. Things are never the same way again, perhaps the trust/faith/hope is transferred to another being. Perhaps it perished away altogether. Perhaps it is hidden and will be found once more. I don't really know, I've not reached that stage yet. Ultimately, a broken person will find it hard (or never) to be happy once again. Happiness is no longer a necessity, it is more of a luxury. Something that you know you'd like to have, but you can't have it every day because it is too god damn expensive. Picking up the pieces can be a long and arduous process that nobody really should ever go through.
Back to my initial thought (I think my mental vomit has been purged out of my system), now that it had repeat itself again, what should I do? Something that is objective and non judgmental without crying wolf in front of others.
I've decided that my principle remains - a relationship is based on 2 person's commitment. Only the 2 person can create and/or destroy the relationship. Outsiders (and I mean anyone) should not meddle inside the business. Whatever gossip it is out there, I hope that the person who heard it will bother to clarify with me instead of spreading it (knowingly or unknowingly, consciously or unconsiously, coerced or not coerced) before finding out what the truth is. I'd really thank you for your concern but I am a person whose been hurt before and I know how to react to that, but my current girlfriend is not. If you can find it in your heart to spare her the pain and hurt that I went through, I'd appreciate it very much.
Let the lost stars remain lost, perhaps not found. But do not dim the light from those stars who are still shining...
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