KaRmA's A bItCh...

It's been a long time since I've last updated my blog. I have two unfinished entries waiting for me to complete. I guess I will complete them when I get the groove back on. Inspirations come and go, but to return to your initial spark of enlightenment is almost as hard as winning the lottery. I personally never won any, perhaps because I never tried it, but in everyday lives there is something that people like to call raffle prizes. Never got any of those too, so I figured that I'll never get a chance to win it anyway, why bother trying?

Life's just like that. Sometimes you try to increase your chances of winning, just like buying more raffle tickets. But when your foul luck plays, you're not gonna get it. That's why there are people who are actually employed to work with statistics all day long. The best you can do it to increase the amount of chances you have so that you have a decent figure to at least get a consolation prize. When you don't get it, you'll think that you have done your best and maybe you're just down on your luck. But what if you really wanted it? These privileges are not for the common people. Seriously not! Some people won the lottery and they think that they can finally live a life that they have wished their lifetime for. But is it the kind of turnout that they had expected? People go on and redeem their prizes, expecting an improvement in their condition of life. But many of them actually go bankrupt, divorced or even both. When that happens, you'd think twice if this was the life that you had wanted prior to winning that lottery? It may not be that much of a blessing in the end. Sometimes it just hurts you so bad and you'll end worse than where you begun. Now, is it really worth it?

On the other hand, there are indeed people who stays firm of the ground without even the slightest thought of leaping into the sky and staying there. They live honestly and obtained their means in life with integrity. They tried their hardest to improve their lives steadily. These are the people who endured through all sorts of setbacks and bullshits in their life. Despite the fluctuation, they still manage to improve and get a decent position. May not be where they wanted, but these are actually the people who aren't afraid to lose. If they lose, at most they start where they began, seldom worse; but my point is, they can handle it. If you were at the crossroads of your life, and you have to make the decision between the two, which will you choose?

I've been looking at the people around me. Similar to some of my friends, I feel inferior to them. I know that there are way more people more inferior to me, but that view is often ignored by the naked heart. All my life, I've been looking up. I want to leap that high, not too much higher than where I'm from. It is a decent distance, a very reasonable leap, at least in my opinion. But here I am, 3 months out of College, still jobless. The word ACHIEVEMENTS is burned in my mind. Where are they? I ask myself that question everyday. What have I done so far that can make me proud? What have I done recently that can be considered as an achievement?

To many people, graduating college is an achievement. Graduating college with a Chemical Engineering Degree is an achievement. Graduating college with a Chemical Engineering Degree and a published research paper is an achievement. To me, sadly, they are not. I have graduated through most of the educational institution with decent grades. If anybody asked me if they were hard, I'd say they're not. I believe I could have faired better than what I have obtained. I just didn't put in as much effort as I should. I'm not being an ass and boasting here. I'm actually pretty ashamed at the amount of effort I actually bothered to put in. I could have done better, seriously. So much better than I ever could. But do I regret my actions? Disappointingly, I'm not! I should be disappointed, but I'm not! If I could repeat the same process all over again with this knowledge, would I have done it any better? Unfortunately, the answer that I have is "No, I won't. I would have proceeded with the same amount of effort I had previously put in." Now where is the damn motivation in that? Where is the reflect and repent attitude I have been trying to instill in my character? I'm deeply ashamed with what myself. No achievement, no character.

I just hope that this is the end of my weakness and hope that next year I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror and say, hey dude, here's something you should be proud of. However, I have the feeling that I, just like any other human being, will continue to look up and never treat what I have done below as an achievement. We'll see...

Someday, this is going to catch up to me. Someday...

Karma's a bitch! I'm afraid of it, nevertheless....

The world has experienced a rising amount of quakes recently. I'm not attributing this to pollution, cos it is not related at all. You can only blame it on plate tectonics movement. My heart goes to sally's friend Ipu, who has siblings and loved ones in Samoa. God bless them and I hope they are safe and can be contacted by Ipu as soon as possible. As for those who experienced the quake in west Sumatra and its surroundings, including Singapore, I hope all is well. I hope that those who needs help will get it before they heave their last breath and leave this earth to a better place....

We3kEnDs...

So it's 2:10 AM in the morning, and why I am still up? Perhaps its because I slept at 2 plus last night, woke up at 10:30 am and then went back to sleep at 3:00 till about 6:00ish. Its been a recess that I needed so much. I guess the past 8 weeks has been crazy. I gotta get used to taking 20 units of class. I'm still trying to catch up, but a break from chasing the endless wisdom is indeed what I need so far. I'm lucky cos I got it, some people aren't so lucky to get it. I'm grateful.

So prior to writing this blog, I was looking aimlessly at website, mostly news and my "toys". I cam across the news about Siegfried & Roy doing a charity, one night only performance. Then it led me to think about those albino/siberian tigers that I had always been fascinated by. Was wondering how come those animals that live in cold climates always has white colored furs. Polar bears, siberian tigers, siberian husky, even owls has white feathers. Since apparently tigers and all these wild beasts are considered inauspicious for my "feng shui" because of their vicious reputation as predators, I was looking for some "calmer" animals to set as my wallpaper. 

I decided to search upon cows because of my chinese zodiac. Well, to be honest, googling "cows" doesn't yield the best results you can get. Most of the cows are just bred cows, some are just cartoons, and most of them has images that shows their testicles. Yes, they're indeed large!!! So I decided that my spirit was more fearsome than that. So I typed in "Bulls" instead of cows, but again, it was in vain. Nothing that was special, nothing attracted me so far. Nothing that really represent my nature and instinct. Perhaps bisons will be nice, but let's just forgo that thought for now.

Recalled on my previous entry, I meant to write something about "Importance me, ME ME ME!!!" Now, why would I say something like that? I feel that there are certain things that needs to be reciprocated in life. I honestly believed that I live my life according to my conscience. I feel liberated and carefree. If I have to die tomorrow, I will leave without regrets. I believe I don't owe anybody anything. In my life, I believe I treated people the best way I could. I've optimized my behavior according to theirs. If somebody treat me like crap, I won't be ruthless and do the same thing. I simply walk away and will try to avoid the person in the future. I rarely change my opinion about a person. I can't do that easily. I don't like being put in situations of awkwardness. I don't bullshit too well. 

Friends had told me that hate is written all over my face whenever I see someone I don't like. That expression gets worse if I had to pretend to strike up conversations, etc. I don't function very well in awkward situation. I can give a presentation anytime of the day without hesitation, but I just don't thrive well under such pressured situation. Simply put, I'm a bad liar. Well, the reason why I'm talking about this is because I believe I deserve better than most of the people out there treat me. Yes I have certain regrets in my life that I'm not particularly proud of. We're all humans, we make mistakes in our life. I'm neither superior nor inferior than the next person. I believe that there's a certain level of courtesy and respect you have to show to others during interaction. Basically, you reap what you sow, period.

In a relationship, it does take two hands to clap. It takes one to slap. If there is only a hand in the relationship, it becomes a slap rather than a clap. Unfortunately, its more of a self-slap rather than a slap to the opposite partner. What makes things worse, its a slap from yourself for yourself. If you get what I mean... Talking about relationships, I believe there are 3 stages that you have to go through. It doesn't come one after another, it may permute between the 3 stages or may happen randomly. 

First of all, there is this stage that I'd like to call the "honeymoon" period. This is where eyes are blind and ears are deaf. The rest of the world doesn't matter anymore for there's only the opposite person that you see. In your eyes, there are only you and the partner. This is when the both of you can't stand not being near each other, even in a mile radius. This is probably the sweetest part of the relationship, basically because you don't know shit about the other party. 

The second stage is what I call the "getting used to each other" stage. This is when you get to learn and understand each other's habits. The habits may be good or bad, but this is basically the stage where you familiarize yourself with the other party.  Be it food, music, clothes, etc. You may find some interesting things that you've never encountered your entire life, which is the sole excitement in the stage. It spices things up. 

The last and most important stage is what I describe as the "putting up with each other". This stage usually comes after you get to know your partner. Knowing and putting up are two different things. When you first learn about the other party, you may not accept it. You can accept it momentarily because it hasn't affected your life. Not yet, at least. When things starts to get serious, the relationship is no longer as sweet as it used to be. And once reality struck, suddenly the rest of the world exists again. You're no longer blind nor deaf. There are only two choices, compromise or stop putting up with each other. 

The last stage I described is the hardest to overcome. It is the last 2 rounds of the 12-rounds boxing match. You either make it or break it. I'd suggest sitting down calmly and talk it through with your partner, but there are indeed stubborn couples out there. In a relationship, you have to put down your ego. Sometimes, even put down your everything. But let me warn you, when you first set out on a journey with your partner, you have to understand the fact that you're actually putting yourself out there, vulnerably. There's a chance you will get hurt, sometimes seriously wounded. But if you think that its worth it, then go for it. If you're the type of person who can't get over hurting, then I suggest you take a second look at the chances of the relationship working. Or rather, before you leap to the "honeymoon" stage, I suggest you get to the "getting used" and "putting up" stage first. It will save you a lot of time and hurting. At least your feelings will be protected. 

I just thought that if you think of a relationship in my perception, its actually a systematic process. Or it can just be that my perception is a very funny metaphor!! 

Nah, I think its because I'm a process engineer, so I'm trying to see the process, just to make sure my plant doesn't blow up...

Time out = 2:49 AM

MoTiOnLeSs, EmOtIoNlEsS, LiStLeSs, InTeReStInGlEsS...

I wanted to write something about the Bernoulli's equation today, but I realized that Microsoft Equation 3.0 can't be used in blogspots... what a waste! And since I'm using a mac, I can't edit it to be a JPEG or any picture image file and put in and give my thoughts on it. However, I'll try to do it once my PC is up again... 

As I wait for my PC to copy all my necessary files and all my serial shows... I just felt like I have nothing to do. Don't get me wrong, I do have plenty of stuff to do. I can barely breathe on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week. A lot of things were due and I felt more like a chemical engineer these past few days than my entire life. I was working on the replication of an Ammonia plant. Who'd have guess that foul smelling thing is actually made in a plant? haha... in my mind, ammonia has always been that pungent gas that is used to clean windows, or basically anything that has glass. I didn't know that ppl do mass produce it... I thought because of its smell, nobody would want to use it. hahaha... i guess i'm wrong...

But nevertheless, I've been tired this week, I want a break but I foresee worse weeks ahead of me. The Lunar new year is arriving and there hasn't been good news about my fate according to the chinese geomancy. hahaha... to be honest... I believe that I've did enough good to at least cushion whatever things that is going to befall me, but just to make sure, I'll go donate blood and platelets again since I haven't done it in a long time. Enough bad things has happened, so the new year means new hopes, means new start, and hence marks a brand new fate... hopefully...

Anyway, it was nice to be catching up with the seniors in Cal Poly. It was nice catching up with people who didn't make it to senior class too... but nevertheless, they're the reason I go to sch everyday, to see people who are actually going to help you with your senior year... just hope that we'll struggle together till the end...

The real world out there is fast approaching and I have no clue what's going to happen. But I don't want to think too much about it, if I have to face it, I will face it with the weapons that the people in the past has used to overcome their challenges... hahaha... ya, I plagiarized that sentence completely from AICHE shirt 2 years ago... I'm becoming a mad scientist... help..