Lesson 1 of 2014...

As I lay here alone in my hotel bed, I looked up at the ceiling, folded my arms and rested my head on my 2 palms.... 

Can't help but think... "What am I doing here? What am I looking for?"...  It is kind of a rhetorical question. I literally know what I am doing here. I'm working on a project, something that I thought I wanted to do all my life. It is an opportunity, the chance of a lifetime, one of the things that I have ever wanted. But why am I asking these questions? 

I've wrote it before previously (can't remember when or how I said it, but I'll say it again)... The worst type of feeling is loneliness. And the worst type of loneliness is when, despite being with friends, loved ones, family, etc... You still feel lonely anyhow. Being amongst the crowd, that is a joy in my life. Spending time doing things with the crowd is something that I cherish nowadays. The thing is, eventually the party ends, and everybody will return to their life, and so will I. The only difference will be they return to their family and loved ones. Like a Sim, with their social bar full, and returning home to continue on their life, their real life, with their family. Then what about me? Who or what do I return to? I return to my room, a big spacious room with a bed, TV stand, some hangers for my mother's laundry, a table stand for my stuff and that's it. I look forward each and everyday when I return to the embrace of my latex bed, pillows and bolsters. And sadly, still feel lonely.

I'm turning 30 in lunar calendar year this year. Life has been more than generous to me, and the harsh thing that I will admit is... I've taken it all for granted. I've written this before and I will write it again. I've never really have to try hard at anything before. And if life gave me an opportunity to do it all over again, I'd probably do the same thing the same way, no difference than the previous. I guess it is true when people say "Life is about taking chances". I thought about it over and over again, and I figured I may have an idea of what's wrong.

They ought to change the sentence to "Life is about taking chances, and spend the rest of your life crying and smiling while being passionate about it". But what does being passionate really means? Up to this moment, the only thing that I can think of is motivation. I lack motivation in my life. Back when I was 12, I looked forward to turning 16 so I can go to the arcade during school hours (which i did eventually). When I was 16, I looked forward to turning 18 so I can buy cigarette legally (which I did, even before I turn 18). When I was 18, I looked forward to turning 21 so I can drink legally in the US (which I also did before the allowed age). So now when I turn 30, I have nothing else to look forward to. My reasons for looking forward to growing up sooner than expected was passion, a motivation, in my own way. So I figured that perhaps I should look for a motivation so I can continue being passionate about my life. Lesson #1: continue being passionate, aiming high for that goal that will keep you motivated. Passion and motivation come hand in hand, at least in my opinion. Without motivation, there will be no passion, and vice versa. Without either, you'll be lost like me.

A few days ago I dreamt that I got married. It was nice having someone taking care of me, who promises to be by my side through sickness and in health, better or worse. It gave me a sense of responsibility, It gave me a sense of belonging. For a brief 3 minutes (in the dream), I felt a whole different set of emotions. A set of emotions that I have never felt before I guess. It was a warm sense of responsibility, that I enjoy. Maybe I enjoyed it because it felt new, and I'd probably take things for granted again. But all in all, it was nice. It was about taking chances, and for that 3 minutes it felt like I was going to spend my life crying and smiling while being passionate about it. Is this a hint? Is this new motivation my calling? What does it mean? It circled in my head for a few days. I find myself looking forward to sleeping, just so I can figure it out. But yah, the subsequent nights it was filled with other things, even death. Anyway, let's not get sidetracked... I'm writing this to remind myself in the future that I have been at a low point. A lost sheep. And one day perhaps I will come back and be reminded of this situation where I were lost and on my way to find myself. 

2014 should be and will be a different year. "Only a fool will do the same things over and over again, while expecting a different result". It is time of change. I will eventually accept the fact that "change is the only constant thing in your life". And I will heed it, hopefully. For now I have to change. And if I want to stop asking the questions that I started with when I first lay on my bed, then I have to change. I have to change, find that motivation and figure out a "change" that will make me stop feeling lonely or second guessing myself. 

Tonight there's a lot of quotes in this entry. Good ones, and ones that I will remember and utilize as a principle in my life for a very long time. Hello 2014!

Maiden entry of 2014

I sort of wanted to reiterate what i meant to write yesterday, mostly about self-improvement really. What I wrote yesterday was mostly on the incidents that happened in 2013. All the happiness amongst 3 of my closest friends, but what I didn't mention was the incidents towards the end of the year. One of the most memorable event was my birthday. Parents weren't around, similar to the last 2 years, I kind of sorta gotten used to it. But what made me really proud and happy was to see the effort that my other family had contributed/came up with to celebrate the 28th years of my existence...

First there was decorations all over my table, with the words "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" printed on an A4 sized paper, letter by letter. It was accompanied by a chain of balloons all over my cubicle, with the huge "2 8" written and pasted on my laptop stand. It was a mess and I couldn't work on it. It was actually more of a "I cant bear to mess this decoration that people had so painstakingly put up". So I moved and worked at other people's work station. 

Before I had the chance to start my day, there was another surprise in the form of gifts and japchae (Korean noodles). The Korean noodles was made with PORK (as to my preference) and without soy sauce (as to the chef's preference). It was a surprise that I totally did not anticipate. It was a gift from another team "living" across the wing! It was made with love. The gift consists of a pair of sandals and snack & ladder drinking game. The color of the sandals sorta taken me aback, but it is really the thought that counts. And me, being the color blind fool when it comes to fashion, probably will not find too much problem with the color. I was surprised at this breakfast, I needed it (since I have been drinking the night before, sort of hungry and dehydrated). 

Then after the regular friday meeting, I was welcomed by yet another surprise. A cake from the team on the 5th floor. All 4 legal people (1 was absent cos she was a mother), came down and sang me a nice Birthday song. There it was, a cake of what is supposed to be in the shape of two reindeer (one is African I suppose, and the other is albino). What really surprised me was the additional accessories - a pot of flower. Apparently my buddy in the legal team made me a promise to bring me flowers last year.... I shamefully forgotten about it. But what really swept me off my feet was what happened next....

As I was distributing cakes to the other wing (people who brought me japchae), I was sort of escorted by 2 ladies (yes I'm a lucky man!) to go into one of the offices and there they presented my other birthday "cake", in the form of heineken beer cans, heineken beer bottle, Kilkenny beer bottle and a Macallan 12 Whiskey bottle. I was flabbergasted and stood rooted to the ground for a split second. "This is what I'm talking about!!!!" The bottles and cans were arranged in such a way that it represented a two-tier "cake". I cant stop smiling when I thought about the "cake", best birthday cake ever. Kudos to those who have spent time and effort in finding the booze for me. 

I spent the remaining day (after office hours obviously) to finish the cans and bottles. Even had a chance to play the snake and ladder drinking came (although everybody knows that the alcoholic inside of us dont need a reason to be drinking). The night ended with a quiet dinner with the rest of my family. What a birthday! 

All in all, I want to remember this night, the birthday in which my sister, nephew, brothers, office brothers and sisters contributed to me feeling special. Thank you all for your effort, I really really appreciate it. 

I guess that's all that I'm going to say about 2013. Now onwards to 2014, I'd like to elaborate some lessons that I'd like to learn. Let me separate it to you in 2 forms - Professionally and Personally. 

Professionally, in 2014, will be a year where it is make or break for me. I have never disappointed anyone at work, and I'm sure as hell dont plan to start doing it this year. 2014 will be filled with more responsibilities, more learning (steep learning curve that is), busier workload and demanding in terms of mental and physical strength. There are several things that I need to improve if I want a fighting chance to survive in 2014. 

First thing of all, I need to stop putting off things. Time and tide waits for no man, and so I better get that into my thick stubborn skull. Procrastination will not do me any good. It stops progress and the effect can be catastrophic, worse, it might even cause a domino effect. When you get that email, read it, open the attachment and understand it at that given time. But most importantly, give your comments/review and follow up on it. DO NOT FORGET ABOUT IT AFTER YOU SENT OUT THAT EMAIL COS IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW UP, NOBODY WILL. Listen to trance, download as many as you want, if it helps you get "in the zone" to work. 

Second thing I need to learn  is the capability to convey messages correctly. If it is difficult to communicate through written, then call them and explain accordingly. DO NOT EXPECT ANYONE TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR COMMENTS. Call the person and explain it verbally, and look for FEEDBACK to determine if your message is conveyed properly. Read self-help books and improve on your communication skill if it is necessary, after all learning will be most part of 2014.

Third thing is to learn how to lead. Be the charismatic and respected leader who always comes up with pragmatic solutions. Think critically and make the decision that you can back up consistently. For one day, you may have to come back and answer why you made that decision. When the time comes, I hope you will not just shrug and say "I DON'T KNOW, HE MADE THAT DECISION". Always take time to understand the concept/theory/reasoning so things can be remembered easily. This way, you can be accountable for a lot of things.

Fourth thing is to rediscover that passion when I first joined the company. The young (foolish to some) man who was unafraid to start new things, continuously improving the SOP and better himself. In terms of skills and knowledge, you have surpassed the man 4 years ago. And with that being said, why would you be afraid of making mistakes now. My point is, be confident of what you have learnt. The knowledge/wisdom that you have acquired and the experience will guide you a long way. Be foolish, as what steve jobbs said. The worst thing is either you made the right decision or learnt a valuable lesson. 

Continuous improvement professionally is essential for your long term career wil. Learn it! Learning is always the most difficult phase of all. But remember, you wont be who you are or where you are today if you refused to learn in the past. All in all, the worst enemy that you need to defeat is yourself. So learn Sun Tzu's quote "Know thyself, Know thy enemy (which in this case also means thyself), and you'll win every war". Spend more time for yourself. Think, write, whatever it takes to help you sort out your thoughts, and better understand yourself. Draw diagrams if you need to, as long as it leads you to the same reason. 

I guess that's all I have to say. And since I promised to be more efficient this year and learning to know myself, I shall end this entry here and continue on the personal improvement next time. I know that if I don't sleep now, I'll be late and grumpy tomorrow at work. So the next toast will be to you Sun Tzu!

Auld Lang Syne

As the year draws to an end, I'd like to just spend sometime summarizing about the things/events that occurred in 2013. It is a testimonial, if you will, to what I have gained, lost, pursued, enjoyed and missed. So many incidents happened but for me, it is the lessons that i have learned that i hold dear the most.

Little over a year ago (or was it two??), I received a birthday present from a close friend who encouraged me to continue writing, whether in the notebook she gave or in my blog. She said this blog was inspiring, and gave her updates into my life while she was away. Dear Ria, I'm sorry for disappointing you thus far, I realized that I haven't written at all in 2013 (except for this particular entry). However, I hope you'd still enjoy this entry as well. 

Thinking back to the events of 2013, 3 of my closest friends finally tied the knot. It wasn't easy, but they made it through anyway. Let's talk about R and F. Two individuals from completely different background and upbringing, united as one. They went through a lot just to be together. I have seen the sacrifices that they have made, all the long distance, all the struggles due to family objection. Basically they went through all the challenges that any couples in relationship could face plus the pressure from the people who were closest to you. R was very determined, and F supported her. They essentially supported each other, and looking back, their struggles paid off and they are living happily in a place where nobody could imagine. I talked to R a few months back, asked her a single question "Are you happy?", and she said (with her glassy and determined glance into my eyes) "Yes I am happy!". I am very happy for them.

The second couple who got married was A and A. Similar to R and F, they were a couple with different backgrounds and race. Their story is more of sacrifices after they tied the knot. Due to her husband being Caucasian and living plus working abroad, my good friend A had to move after her wedding. There, they were bestowed a beautiful baby girl, the cutest thing I've seen ever. I visited my good friend A, a month back to see how she was doing living in a different country with different climate, culture, and obviously absent of any close friends she used to hang out with, including the more fortunate lifestyle she used to lead. The lifestyle she led, in the native country of her husband, and I saw A in a different light. Despite the simple and constrained lifestyle (she was kind of immobile due to not having a license plus having a baby girl who takes up most of her time), she was indeed happy. A had to do housework, sometimes cooks, but all in all, she had to take care of her baby, not forgetting all the vices she had given up. It was a complete transformation from her part. Going from a house with gazillion number of maids, to doing things on her own. It was magnificent, I can only say that her maternal instincts truly kicked in and she changed. Out of curiosity, I asked her the same question "Are you happy?", without a doubt she replied "Yes I am truly happy!". At that moment, I knew that A had lived up to her decision and fought for her happiness. Congratulations!

The last couple who got married was D and A. Fortunately, I was given the task as a best man for this one. D, was my very good friend whom I met in college. The lesson that I've learnt from D was that you don't need to marry the love of your life, you just have to marry someone whom you can build a sustainable relationship with, someone who you can stand (duh!) and talk to even when he/she is pissed. Someone, whom you will be able to confide, and love despite a fight just a minute ago. A took care of the wedding (and I've mentioned this in their best man's speech). She took care of the bridesmaid, catering, hotel, decoration, EVERYTHING. And D, being who D is, took care of a simple alcohol purchases for the after party (D is very good with alcohol, so A decided to give D the task of handling what he knows best), which he eventually sub-contracted to me, thus leaving him with nothing else but to just show up for the wedding. LOL! Now, in their speech, i asked the audience what D took care for the wedding? I don't think anybody guessed correctly, but the correct answer was "D took care of A" since no matter how frustrated A was, D was always there to remove her pressure. D was there to buffer herself against the world that A have to face everyday, and for that I salute them. I haven't asked D if he was happy or not, maybe I will if they ever decide to quit their honeymoon/travelling sometime next year. Somehow I kind of anticipated that D will say "Sure, why not?" and A is definitely going to say "Yes, I'm happy!", but i'll try to ask just for the heck of it to see if I'm correct. 

The lessons that I've learned out of these 3 marriages are actually quite simple. Sacrifices, patience, belief, and building a sustainable relationship. Neither of them walked away upon the threat of perils. Neither of them pulled out of their commitment. They have decided to be happy, and so they are en route to a lifetime of joy.

That being said, the lessons of 2013 has been learnt. Other things include hatred, and forgiveness. I am usually a man who forgets things easily, even the most important things. If you don't hurt me deep enough, be quite sure that you will escape from my wrath rather easily. I believe some people deserve second chances, actually most people, but 2013 has taught me otherwise. 

I have been betrayed by my closest company this year. I've asked myself if i could find it in my heart to forgive, but to no avail. It is difficult for me to give a repenting opportunity to someone whom I used to hold so dear, and now is a total stranger to me. I refused to spend time, or look him/her in the eye anymore. I have put in my trust, faith and belief for that person to not hurt me, but he/she did anyway. Even after that, no apologies. No apologies for the mess he/she has caused, the life/lives he/she has ruined, and ultimately the scars that he/she have made for me and another person. I can't bring myself to think about being merciful and forgiving. This year, i admit defeat to trying to forgive this particular individual who have hurt me, and I condemn any attempt to convince me otherwise. To everyone else, I will start the new year of 2014 with forgiveness, and I hope you will forgive me as well. 

2013 has been a fun year filled with travelling. To Paris, Bordeaux, Clermont-Ferrand, Brno, Venice, Prague, Dubai, Singapore, Bangkok, Yogyakarta, and Bali. I have spent some of the happiest (and sometimes drunken) days during these visits. To all my friends and colleagues, I salute you, thank you for the wonderful experience and beg for your forgiveness if I had done any mistakes in the past. 

2014 will be a year full of challenges, and I have identified certain qualities that I need to fix. Including blogging. My writing skills have deteriorated so much. I will continue reading, writing and of course having fun with all my loved ones. Not forgetting to continue sharing what I've learnt. 

Thank you 2013, you have been very kind. Now I look forward to 2014, to start afresh with new mindset and spirit.

MuCh ThOuGhTs To Be ApPrEciAtEd....

Dear all, it's been a while since i last wrote. Doesn't mean that things doesn't go through my head. Sometimes it really takes a moment of inspiration and a stroke of genius to write. I have wrote some of my thoughts down, but never had the time to finish it... think of it like a path that I have not completed... One day... I shall complete it...

Title: "How Do you Feel?"
Date: Unknown, but should be in early January 2011...
Content:
How does it feel? If one moment you're in one person's life, and the next moment you're out of it. How does it feel? You're like a passer-by now, needy of information but at the same time deprived of it. How does it feel? Like a famished kid, reaching out for the steamed bun but for your hand to swat aside just before you get it. How does it feel?

Perhaps my greatest fear is to be set aside, abandoned, no longer have the privilege to know more information about you. I'm jailed, separated from your life. I'm curious, but no longer have the rights to know.

Title: "Spring into Life"
Date: Spring 2011
Content:
Technically, I began writing this entry on the 1st day of the lunar new year. Have been thinking abt a concept since before though. But a series of event has occurred that finally evoked my emotion to comment. I need to ponder abt these thoughts for a while as well...

Yesterday, a colleague's acquaintance committed suicide. and today, I just found out that one of my best friend's grandma just passed away. The two events reminded me how fragile life is. It can exist one day and be gone another. What are the chances that my life will be over tomorrow? The two deaths can symbolize a lot of things, depending on how you look at it. For some, it may mark the end of a person's life.

I hope that this post will give me enthusiasm to write further.....

GiGgLiNg At OtHeR's WoEs...

Now, plagiarizing has been fun, why don't we take a look at this poor soul's continuation of his story and share his grief for a second? 

Enjoy....

"When I see you smile - Bad English



(verse one)
Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through
Through this world
without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue 
Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach out for me 
Sometimes I wanna give up
Wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
AND ONE LOOK AT YOU BABY 
can make everything all right
can make everything alright

(chorus)
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining
right through the rain
When I see you smile
Baby when I see you smile at me 
Oh yeah 

(verse 2)
Baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do
What the touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew
ooooohhhh 
And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it
Cause you're here with me
AND ONE LOOK AT YOU BABY
It's all I'll ever need
All I'll ever need 

When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining
right through the rain
When I see you smile
Baby when I see you smile at me 

(bridge)
Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
Then one look at you baby
can make everything alright
can make everything alright
It's alright 

(chorus)
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything (that i can do anything)
When I see you smile (when i see you smile)
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining
right through the rain (baby when i see you smile)
Yeah
When I see you smile
Yeah I can face the world (everyday)
Oh you know I can do anything (everyday)
When I see you smile
Oh yeah
Baby when I see you smile at me 
when i see you smile.. baby when i see you smile..
aaaattt me.. 

I'll be over you - TOTO

Some people live their dreams 
Some people close their eyes
Some people's destiny
Passes by

There are no guarantees
There are no alibis
That's how our love must be
Don't ask why

Bridge:
It takes some time
God knows how long
I know that I can forget you

As soon as my heart stops breakin'
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
I'll be over you

Remembering times gone by
Promises we once made
What are the reasons why
Nothing stays the same

Bridge:
There were the nights holding you close
Someday I'll try to forget them
Someday I'll be over you

I don't even know where to begin writing this. It is official, we have to part ways. The ring that once meant so much to me had to be retired. Not because it had made an unforgivable mistake, but because it had served me so well, kept me out of trouble - protected me, gave me so much strength, even saved my finger on several occasions. It had always been my guardian angel, the protector that kept me safe and loyal to its owner. A memento, if you will, of a wonderful friendship, dependency, connection, emotional reliance, companionship and love symbol. A talisman that I kissed everytime trouble caught up with me, a reassurance that I have to believe that I'll be alright, a reminder for me to have faith within myself and suceed. It was my pillar of support and I pinned my life onto it. 

As I gave the loyal buddy a long hard stare, I can't help but to feel lost. For the first time in a long time, I've been given another blow to recover from. A blow that probably has enough magnitude to explode myself from the within. It all begins at the heart, and when it makes its way into your major organs, you're doomed. Illness will come repetitiously, problems will be overwhelming, and it is just a matter of seconds before the body overloads and attempt to protect itself through mental breakdown. I stared blankly at the cold piece of metal, such a burden to just let it go, I can't bear to leave it. 

Eventually I closed my eyes, give the bond symbol a last kiss, and threw it out as far as I could. The wind will take it, the ocean waves will bring it, to its last destination. I did it all with a heap load of regret. A burden that I know I can't handle by myself. But no matter what, life goes on. 

It is the end. Might be the mark of a new beginning, but I'll grief for now. My heart is dead, feelings numb, body lifeless, mind helpless, vision listless. 

I could have kept the ring as a keepsake. It can remind me of the times that I experience the best of my life. The golden years that had passed me by. There was no more us, all that remains is just me. 

You did ask me, as a last attempt of saving our relationship, "what is it that you need from me?". Many answers came up to my mind, but it all spiralled to just one word - support.

Yes, I needed your support. It's not that I've waited too long for you to get better. I did, at times, wish that you were stronger than me. Protect me the way the ring protected me. Give my heart a sense of belonging, and security. Yes, the age reversal process do happen. You know this fact more than anybody else, and you didn't know. The answer is actually really simple. For all the time that we've been together, all I needed was just your support. Yet sometimes when we talk about this, all I hear was "I don't know how to" or " that is just not me, how do you expect me to be somebody I'm not."

I've never been angry at you. Nor have I ever blamed you for everything that went wrong. I've always said it was more of disappointment than rage. Reciprocation is a major thing in this connection. I wanted to have you protect me the way I've protected you. 

I'm not saying that I don't make mistakes in the relationship. I do. Perhaps I just can't see beyond the fact that you're trying. Maybe my standard was too high. What if I was the one who was oblivious to the fact that you actually put in effort to this relationship? I'm sorry. It's all I can say. I've expected too much from you.

I've brought this upon myself. Undoubtedly. I did. I've played a major part in the destruction of this production. I am the ultimate destroyer of what could have been the best relationship I could ever have. I shouldn't have started this relationship. The pain is just too much for me to handle.

With this, I shall end this final entry. Another teardrop, another heavy heartbeat. I might get over this, but we shall see. For now, I grief... Good bye ring."

PlAgIaRiZiNg At It'S bEsT...

Well, it has been a while, not too long ago, since I've wrote an entry. In this one, I've decided to be a tad less creative and a bit more lazy by just quoting from a writer that I happen to come across recently. The web is indeed a vast resource that you can tap in for information, it contains the thoughts and imagination of many talented people who conveyed it to us through the windows of the virtual world. Many of them are newbies who just set out to explore the extent of their ability and showcase their ideas. Some are already at intermediate level of expertise such that their work deserves commends and encouragement. Others are wonderfully equipped with extensive knowledge and enticing content that just leave us in awe. For this one, I'll let you decide which category this writer belong to....

"The most excruciating type of loneliness is even though you are amongst close family and friends, you still feel a tremendously overwhelming sense of loneliness engulfing your mood. This is the kind of loneliness that does not happen to everyone, for this is the rare kind of delicate emotion that only happens to the best of us, the lucky ones. Some people call it the gift, while others who are less optimistic calls it more like a voo-doo type curse. The perspective varies between optimists and pessimists. I am one of the fortunate few who is still rather indecisive of whether I should be thankful or condemn this particular set of ambidextrousity. Now I understand why some people generally tend to say that pain is good, because it makes us feel that we're alive. I don't know if I agree completely with that view for even though I think it defines the fact that we are human, I feel that I'm dying gradually on the inside. 

This state of comma, however, can be traced. It can be traced to how and why we let ourself fall into the situation I'm in right now. It all started with the pleasure of the 5 senses. The sense of touch, taste, feel, hear and see. Some even might say that their sixth sense is not being forgotten as well. In my opinion, my ultimate loneliness started when these 5, or 6, senses were deprived of its usual pleasure. A pleasure that intriques a drawback, or cold turkey. This messes around with my head a little bit, and most importantly, it screws up my emotions, almost completely.

I should not have started it. I should not have let myself fall to that state of vulnerability. I should not have taken off my guard and pursue my own happiness. It is rather selfish, when you say that you're pursuing your own happiness... Don't you think? All judgment aside, I think one of the ways to get through this mess and get rid of all these venomous emotions is to relive the pleasure of the 5, or 6, senses and then re-evaluate yourself by seeking a thorough systematic healing process of repention.  

First sense is the sense of sight. The view of her face, just lying there next to me when I wake up gives me a sense of security, a belonging. A feeling that I actually have somebody there who cares. Even though she's still dreaming and it'll take more than arson to wake her up, it just made my morning that much more beautiful. A good day that seems hard to be ruined.

The second sense is the sense of smell. Her papaya mask that she apply delicately to her hair left a softly emitting fragrance as it permeates through the whole room. It is indeed the quiet time that she spends taking care of herself that leaves me wondering how it feels to actually go closer and inhale the full effect of the scent. As I come closer, there's another smell that emits from her. Ahhh... That surprisingly familiar sake smell that never seem to fade from her skin. Its like the sake smell is her sweat, radiantly diffusing into my nostrils. My smell senses was captivated, and fulfilled.

The third sense is the sense of touch. I can't help myself but to pull her closer to me. If they say that a picture paints a thousand words, then I'd say that a simple touch is worth more reassurance than a billion consolation. The fact that I have this living human being next to me, a person who actually recognizes my presence in this world, somebody who actually cares about my life and death, and also somebody who would actually protect me, is already a miracle. I must have done something right to deserve this. Neverthelss, her soft bouncy skin left a tingling chill into my palm. She is actually cold, even though she grunts as I disturbed her comfortable sleeping position.

The subsequent sense, is the sense of hearing. This sense is invoked by the grunt she gave. Her sleepy eyes lashed out, like a hungry crossed lionness when you steal her bloody meat in the middle of a feast. But when she set her sight on me, her entire facial expression changes. She smiled. Oh yes she does. The smile that actually melts any iceberg in the antartica. She took a glance at me, and appreciates my effort in pulling her into my embrace. She grazed her head onto my chest, trying to find another comfortable position before drifting back to dreamland.

I can't help but to speak, using the last visible sense to the human being. I hushed, and secured her in my embrace. I comforted her and reassured her that I was there before giving her hair another smell and her forehead another peck. 

The simulataneous experience gave satisfaction to my last sense- the sixth sense. The sense that is fairly unnoticable to the naked human eye. The sense that many doubt its existence. The sense that made me crave it everytime we meet. The sense that made me ME. Almost like heroine, left me hooked onto it on the first try. And of course, the drawback that I'm currently experiencing in my state of cold turkey.

It went by as promptly as it came. But the memory will forever last in my brain. Though how many percent of it is used, I'll never have a chance to know it while being mortal. 

Sadly though, this was probably the only time my satisfaction tank is filled. The rest of the experience was just not my language of love. Things are different when she's awake. My language of love, forfeited...

For now, I have relived the journey of the six senses. I think I'll be able to move on and decide what to do with my life. It's like recovering from addiction - Easier said than done."

Well, that's that... How many of you had experienced this before? Can you relate to this? I find it very intriguing and stimulating. Brings you back to the times that you could have experienced this, but did not have a chance to, didn't ya? 

Alright, that's all for now. Hope you guys are still entertained by my useless rant. Peace out!

We AtE, wE dRaNk, We LaUgHeD, wE VoMiT...

It's been a long while since I've even wrote anything in this blog. If shua would have seen this, he'd say something about the blog being filled with atoms... which technically ain't really true... hahaha...

So what have I been doing so far that I've neglected my dear virtual mental vomit container? I've been at work from 0800-1700 everyday, which means I have to wake up around 0600 in the morning to get ready and be at the office by 0730. Then come home at an average of 0530 minimum, or maybe up to 0630 on thursdays trying to keep up with meeting materials. I come home afterwards, eat, then proceed to head out and play tennis. Sometimes tennis, sometimes just PS3, sometimes just out with parents or friends. I keep my schedule as tight as possible so my mind doesn't wander off to places that I don't want it to head to. I play tennis to ensure that I get to slp better at night, no need for all the unscrupulous mambo jumbo, I just fall into a deep sleep the moment my head touches the pillow. 

But anyways, I've been lucky so far. In the last 5-6 months, I've made new buddies, new friends who shares similar if not relatively close background as me. And together, we created a weekly A.A meeting session in which non frequent fliers are welcome to join us anytime during the session and have non-stop laughters with the gang. We were, however, never failed to be joined by everybody's best vice - Alcohol. 

The weekly A.A meeting wasn't really started until a couple of months ago I guess. This has been the time where I had exploited (trained) my liver to its full potential. During this session, we could have as much jokes/insults/gossips/ serious conversations/ aimless conversation thrown around. And most of the time all of it led to only one ending - a laugh and big gulp of whatever our poison was. On certain weeks, it will be filled with other activities including karaoke, pool, formal dinner, matchmaking session or poker. Hahaha... but we were always accompanied by alcohol.

To a certain extent, alcohol is indeed a really good ice breaker. This is where we calm ourself down and start to be chill before we carry on with the conversation. With alcohol, we can be more at ease (read: Zen) with our surroundings and our peers and will proceed to pour our hearts out. Had a bad week at work? Had a bad break-up? Have complaints regarding the non-existent working ethics in your particular company/ country? Or when you simply need ideas for a brand? I will recommend you to join the club. It really doesn't take that much to begin with. Yes the alcohol will burn a hole in your freaking wallet, or it will make you vomit and completely have a blackout, or simply making out with one of your first cousins? It's all fair and square in love and war, oops, i need to correct that.... the right one should be, it's all fair and square within the weekly A.A meeting session. No judgement, plenty of consolation and weird smirks, but hey, we do what we can to stay sane in this world, don't we? You get more to earn than lose... as the weekly A.A meeting has always given me an enjoyable time...

But what happens after the A.A meeting? Sometimes the silence of the mind is like a electric generator. Once you lose the disturbance in the electromagnetic field, you lose the electricity, and the magnet will only point in one direction. And often, this direction will lead you to places that you don't wanna be in the first place.... hahaha... exactly why the A.A session is good for... it is good for the distraction of the mind. hehehe... I look at this article and the more I am disgusted by it. I have never wrote so badly in my life before. I think I'm losing my touch, or maybe I should write down my thoughts immediately to ensure that I don't lose the original touch that came with it. Will I change my writing habit in order to obtain a better penmanship etiquette? I don't know...

I am not ready to disclose anymore information... but i will... as my life puzzle falls into place... you will realize what is going on.... but for now... let's just distract ourself in the laughter of the A.A members...