NeUrO pArAlLeL wOrLd

MuCh ThOuGhTs To Be ApPrEciAtEd....

2011-04-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

Dear all, it's been a while since i last wrote. Doesn't mean that things doesn't go through my head. Sometimes it really takes a moment of inspiration and a stroke of genius to write. I have wrote some of my thoughts down, but never had the time to finish it... think of it like a path that I have not completed... One day... I shall complete it...

Title: "How Do you Feel?"
Date: Unknown, but should be in early January 2011...
Content:
How does it feel? If one moment you're in one person's life, and the next moment you're out of it. How does it feel? You're like a passer-by now, needy of information but at the same time deprived of it. How does it feel? Like a famished kid, reaching out for the steamed bun but for your hand to swat aside just before you get it. How does it feel?

Perhaps my greatest fear is to be set aside, abandoned, no longer have the privilege to know more information about you. I'm jailed, separated from your life. I'm curious, but no longer have the rights to know.

Title: "Spring into Life"
Date: Spring 2011
Content:
Technically, I began writing this entry on the 1st day of the lunar new year. Have been thinking abt a concept since before though. But a series of event has occurred that finally evoked my emotion to comment. I need to ponder abt these thoughts for a while as well...

Yesterday, a colleague's acquaintance committed suicide. and today, I just found out that one of my best friend's grandma just passed away. The two events reminded me how fragile life is. It can exist one day and be gone another. What are the chances that my life will be over tomorrow? The two deaths can symbolize a lot of things, depending on how you look at it. For some, it may mark the end of a person's life.

I hope that this post will give me enthusiasm to write further.....

GiGgLiNg At OtHeR's WoEs...

2010-05-03T05:00:00.001-07:00

Now, plagiarizing has been fun, why don't we take a look at this poor soul's continuation of his story and share his grief for a second?

Enjoy....

"When I see you smile - Bad English

(verse one)
Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through
Through this world
without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue
Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach out for me
Sometimes I wanna give up
Wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
AND ONE LOOK AT YOU BABY
can make everything all right
can make everything alright

(chorus)
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining
right through the rain
When I see you smile
Baby when I see you smile at me
Oh yeah

(verse 2)
Baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do
What the touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew
ooooohhhh
And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it
Cause you're here with me
AND ONE LOOK AT YOU BABY
It's all I'll ever need
All I'll ever need

When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining
right through the rain
When I see you smile
Baby when I see you smile at me

(bridge)
Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
Then one look at you baby
can make everything alright
can make everything alright
It's alright

(chorus)
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything (that i can do anything)
When I see you smile (when i see you smile)
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining
right through the rain (baby when i see you smile)
Yeah
When I see you smile
Yeah I can face the world (everyday)
Oh you know I can do anything (everyday)
When I see you smile
Oh yeah
Baby when I see you smile at me
when i see you smile.. baby when i see you smile..
aaaattt me..

I'll be over you - TOTO

Some people live their dreams
Some people close their eyes
Some people's destiny
Passes by

There are no guarantees
There are no alibis
That's how our love must be
Don't ask why

Bridge:
It takes some time
God knows how long
I know that I can forget you

As soon as my heart stops breakin'
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
I'll be over you

Remembering times gone by
Promises we once made
What are the reasons why
Nothing stays the same

Bridge:
There were the nights holding you close
Someday I'll try to forget them
Someday I'll be over you

I don't even know where to begin writing this. It is official, we have to part ways. The ring that once meant so much to me had to be retired. Not because it had made an unforgivable mistake, but because it had served me so well, kept me out of trouble - protected me, gave me so much strength, even saved my finger on several occasions. It had always been my guardian angel, the protector that kept me safe and loyal to its owner. A memento, if you will, of a wonderful friendship, dependency, connection, emotional reliance, companionship and love symbol. A talisman that I kissed everytime trouble caught up with me, a reassurance that I have to believe that I'll be alright, a reminder for me to have faith within myself and suceed. It was my pillar of support and I pinned my life onto it.

As I gave the loyal buddy a long hard stare, I can't help but to feel lost. For the first time in a long time, I've been given another blow to recover from. A blow that probably has enough magnitude to explode myself from the within. It all begins at the heart, and when it makes its way into your major organs, you're doomed. Illness will come repetitiously, problems will be overwhelming, and it is just a matter of seconds before the body overloads and attempt to protect itself through mental breakdown. I stared blankly at the cold piece of metal, such a burden to just let it go, I can't bear to leave it.

Eventually I closed my eyes, give the bond symbol a last kiss, and threw it out as far as I could. The wind will take it, the ocean waves will bring it, to its last destination. I did it all with a heap load of regret. A burden that I know I can't handle by myself. But no matter what, life goes on.

It is the end. Might be the mark of a new beginning, but I'll grief for now. My heart is dead, feelings numb, body lifeless, mind helpless, vision listless.

I could have kept the ring as a keepsake. It can remind me of the times that I experience the best of my life. The golden years that had passed me by. There was no more us, all that remains is just me.

You did ask me, as a last attempt of saving our relationship, "what is it that you need from me?". Many answers came up to my mind, but it all spiralled to just one word - support.

Yes, I needed your support. It's not that I've waited too long for you to get better. I did, at times, wish that you were stronger than me. Protect me the way the ring protected me. Give my heart a sense of belonging, and security. Yes, the age reversal process do happen. You know this fact more than anybody else, and you didn't know. The answer is actually really simple. For all the time that we've been together, all I needed was just your support. Yet sometimes when we talk about this, all I hear was "I don't know how to" or " that is just not me, how do you expect me to be somebody I'm not."

I've never been angry at you. Nor have I ever blamed you for everything that went wrong. I've always said it was more of disappointment than rage. Reciprocation is a major thing in this connection. I wanted to have you protect me the way I've protected you.

I'm not saying that I don't make mistakes in the relationship. I do. Perhaps I just can't see beyond the fact that you're trying. Maybe my standard was too high. What if I was the one who was oblivious to the fact that you actually put in effort to this relationship? I'm sorry. It's all I can say. I've expected too much from you.

I've brought this upon myself. Undoubtedly. I did. I've played a major part in the destruction of this production. I am the ultimate destroyer of what could have been the best relationship I could ever have. I shouldn't have started this relationship. The pain is just too much for me to handle.

With this, I shall end this final entry. Another teardrop, another heavy heartbeat. I might get over this, but we shall see. For now, I grief... Good bye ring."

PlAgIaRiZiNg At It'S bEsT...

2010-04-27T05:11:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a while, not too long ago, since I've wrote an entry. In this one, I've decided to be a tad less creative and a bit more lazy by just quoting from a writer that I happen to come across recently. The web is indeed a vast resource that you can tap in for information, it contains the thoughts and imagination of many talented people who conveyed it to us through the windows of the virtual world. Many of them are newbies who just set out to explore the extent of their ability and showcase their ideas. Some are already at intermediate level of expertise such that their work deserves commends and encouragement. Others are wonderfully equipped with extensive knowledge and enticing content that just leave us in awe. For this one, I'll let you decide which category this writer belong to....

"The most excruciating type of loneliness is even though you are amongst close family and friends, you still feel a tremendously overwhelming sense of loneliness engulfing your mood. This is the kind of loneliness that does not happen to everyone, for this is the rare kind of delicate emotion that only happens to the best of us, the lucky ones. Some people call it the gift, while others who are less optimistic calls it more like a voo-doo type curse. The perspective varies between optimists and pessimists. I am one of the fortunate few who is still rather indecisive of whether I should be thankful or condemn this particular set of ambidextrousity. Now I understand why some people generally tend to say that pain is good, because it makes us feel that we're alive. I don't know if I agree completely with that view for even though I think it defines the fact that we are human, I feel that I'm dying gradually on the inside.

This state of comma, however, can be traced. It can be traced to how and why we let ourself fall into the situation I'm in right now. It all started with the pleasure of the 5 senses. The sense of touch, taste, feel, hear and see. Some even might say that their sixth sense is not being forgotten as well. In my opinion, my ultimate loneliness started when these 5, or 6, senses were deprived of its usual pleasure. A pleasure that intriques a drawback, or cold turkey. This messes around with my head a little bit, and most importantly, it screws up my emotions, almost completely.

I should not have started it. I should not have let myself fall to that state of vulnerability. I should not have taken off my guard and pursue my own happiness. It is rather selfish, when you say that you're pursuing your own happiness... Don't you think? All judgment aside, I think one of the ways to get through this mess and get rid of all these venomous emotions is to relive the pleasure of the 5, or 6, senses and then re-evaluate yourself by seeking a thorough systematic healing process of repention.

First sense is the sense of sight. The view of her face, just lying there next to me when I wake up gives me a sense of security, a belonging. A feeling that I actually have somebody there who cares. Even though she's still dreaming and it'll take more than arson to wake her up, it just made my morning that much more beautiful. A good day that seems hard to be ruined.

The second sense is the sense of smell. Her papaya mask that she apply delicately to her hair left a softly emitting fragrance as it permeates through the whole room. It is indeed the quiet time that she spends taking care of herself that leaves me wondering how it feels to actually go closer and inhale the full effect of the scent. As I come closer, there's another smell that emits from her. Ahhh... That surprisingly familiar sake smell that never seem to fade from her skin. Its like the sake smell is her sweat, radiantly diffusing into my nostrils. My smell senses was captivated, and fulfilled.

The third sense is the sense of touch. I can't help myself but to pull her closer to me. If they say that a picture paints a thousand words, then I'd say that a simple touch is worth more reassurance than a billion consolation. The fact that I have this living human being next to me, a person who actually recognizes my presence in this world, somebody who actually cares about my life and death, and also somebody who would actually protect me, is already a miracle. I must have done something right to deserve this. Neverthelss, her soft bouncy skin left a tingling chill into my palm. She is actually cold, even though she grunts as I disturbed her comfortable sleeping position.

The subsequent sense, is the sense of hearing. This sense is invoked by the grunt she gave. Her sleepy eyes lashed out, like a hungry crossed lionness when you steal her bloody meat in the middle of a feast. But when she set her sight on me, her entire facial expression changes. She smiled. Oh yes she does. The smile that actually melts any iceberg in the antartica. She took a glance at me, and appreciates my effort in pulling her into my embrace. She grazed her head onto my chest, trying to find another comfortable position before drifting back to dreamland.

I can't help but to speak, using the last visible sense to the human being. I hushed, and secured her in my embrace. I comforted her and reassured her that I was there before giving her hair another smell and her forehead another peck.

The simulataneous experience gave satisfaction to my last sense- the sixth sense. The sense that is fairly unnoticable to the naked human eye. The sense that many doubt its existence. The sense that made me crave it everytime we meet. The sense that made me ME. Almost like heroine, left me hooked onto it on the first try. And of course, the drawback that I'm currently experiencing in my state of cold turkey.

It went by as promptly as it came. But the memory will forever last in my brain. Though how many percent of it is used, I'll never have a chance to know it while being mortal.

Sadly though, this was probably the only time my satisfaction tank is filled. The rest of the experience was just not my language of love. Things are different when she's awake. My language of love, forfeited...

For now, I have relived the journey of the six senses. I think I'll be able to move on and decide what to do with my life. It's like recovering from addiction - Easier said than done."

Well, that's that... How many of you had experienced this before? Can you relate to this? I find it very intriguing and stimulating. Brings you back to the times that you could have experienced this, but did not have a chance to, didn't ya?

Alright, that's all for now. Hope you guys are still entertained by my useless rant. Peace out!

We AtE, wE dRaNk, We LaUgHeD, wE VoMiT...

2010-04-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a long while since I've even wrote anything in this blog. If shua would have seen this, he'd say something about the blog being filled with atoms... which technically ain't really true... hahaha...

So what have I been doing so far that I've neglected my dear virtual mental vomit container? I've been at work from 0800-1700 everyday, which means I have to wake up around 0600 in the morning to get ready and be at the office by 0730. Then come home at an average of 0530 minimum, or maybe up to 0630 on thursdays trying to keep up with meeting materials. I come home afterwards, eat, then proceed to head out and play tennis. Sometimes tennis, sometimes just PS3, sometimes just out with parents or friends. I keep my schedule as tight as possible so my mind doesn't wander off to places that I don't want it to head to. I play tennis to ensure that I get to slp better at night, no need for all the unscrupulous mambo jumbo, I just fall into a deep sleep the moment my head touches the pillow.

But anyways, I've been lucky so far. In the last 5-6 months, I've made new buddies, new friends who shares similar if not relatively close background as me. And together, we created a weekly A.A meeting session in which non frequent fliers are welcome to join us anytime during the session and have non-stop laughters with the gang. We were, however, never failed to be joined by everybody's best vice - Alcohol.

The weekly A.A meeting wasn't really started until a couple of months ago I guess. This has been the time where I had exploited (trained) my liver to its full potential. During this session, we could have as much jokes/insults/gossips/ serious conversations/ aimless conversation thrown around. And most of the time all of it led to only one ending - a laugh and big gulp of whatever our poison was. On certain weeks, it will be filled with other activities including karaoke, pool, formal dinner, matchmaking session or poker. Hahaha... but we were always accompanied by alcohol.

To a certain extent, alcohol is indeed a really good ice breaker. This is where we calm ourself down and start to be chill before we carry on with the conversation. With alcohol, we can be more at ease (read: Zen) with our surroundings and our peers and will proceed to pour our hearts out. Had a bad week at work? Had a bad break-up? Have complaints regarding the non-existent working ethics in your particular company/ country? Or when you simply need ideas for a brand? I will recommend you to join the club. It really doesn't take that much to begin with. Yes the alcohol will burn a hole in your freaking wallet, or it will make you vomit and completely have a blackout, or simply making out with one of your first cousins? It's all fair and square in love and war, oops, i need to correct that.... the right one should be, it's all fair and square within the weekly A.A meeting session. No judgement, plenty of consolation and weird smirks, but hey, we do what we can to stay sane in this world, don't we? You get more to earn than lose... as the weekly A.A meeting has always given me an enjoyable time...

But what happens after the A.A meeting? Sometimes the silence of the mind is like a electric generator. Once you lose the disturbance in the electromagnetic field, you lose the electricity, and the magnet will only point in one direction. And often, this direction will lead you to places that you don't wanna be in the first place.... hahaha... exactly why the A.A session is good for... it is good for the distraction of the mind. hehehe... I look at this article and the more I am disgusted by it. I have never wrote so badly in my life before. I think I'm losing my touch, or maybe I should write down my thoughts immediately to ensure that I don't lose the original touch that came with it. Will I change my writing habit in order to obtain a better penmanship etiquette? I don't know...

I am not ready to disclose anymore information... but i will... as my life puzzle falls into place... you will realize what is going on.... but for now... let's just distract ourself in the laughter of the A.A members...

CuRiOuS gEoRgE - cUrIoSiTy KiLlEd ThE cAt, ThE mOnKeY iS nExT....

2010-02-02T11:04:00.000-08:00

Here i am, back again at my rant wall if you will, recording the recent events that has actually occurred in my life. I promised a friend, well not exactly a new friend, just a recently turned good buddy that I will update this blog. Apparently she's a fan of my writing, and so due to popular(ummm... not really) demand, here I am back at the wall that has been neglected for quite some time.

Events has occurred since my last post, I don't know where to start but working life started to hit reality when I went to Surabaya to attend a friend's wedding. It was the first time that my group of buddies and I actually went out together, and I, being the usual "whatever comes, will come", didn't know what to expect. My assurance was in the fact that I'm actually going to a very unfamiliar territory with people that I know. I guess there's really no expectations there. So here goes the narration of the experience from then, and hopefully till now...

So the wedding was amazing, with anecdotes of the bride and groom's childhood, courting period and up to their mentors (parents, etc) who sculpted them to the person that they had become. The wedding was indeed, as I've told clarizza, filled with "Aww, Ouww, and Eeewwww!!" haha... I guess it is the normal reaction in every wedding. Everything from the most heart-moving to the relatively barfing information was disclosed. The bride and groom were, I guess, perfect for each other. This made me to think that there is no such thing as the perfect couple in this world. The "perfect" couple is determined and judged by the people around them. To the by-standers, the couple might just be perfect for each other, but I believe that behind the curtains, it actually took a lot of effort and giving in to produce such a dynamic personality. The challenge is to actually make the ppl you care about as perfect as they can be by supporting and accommodating them. It takes a really wide generosity and tons of patience to be able to relent to your partner and make the best out of the worst situation.

Consolation for me, which is kinda heart-warming, was the fact that I was able to meet people that I wouldn't meet on a daily/weekly basis. We used to spend time together back in college, but truthfully working life and college life are parallel to each other. Every now and then, if we are lucky, we'll find an intersection point and actually meet. This was one of those points. To me, my life priority has always been family, friends, career, health then money. Family comes first as always, no matter what you do, albeit the dumbest mistake of your life, your family will always be there to support you. They will be the first people to prevent you from making a fool out of yourself. Let's face it, friends come and goes, relationships arrives and departs, but family stays closely knitted. They are the people who will actually accept you unconditionally, without regrets. Maybe they will complain and whine every now and then, but ask yourself this "do you deserve it?". More often than not, you actually owe it to yourself that you're a dumbass and that friends might get disappointed and leave ya, but family stays with you no matter what. The "related-by-blood" theory is partially true in this case. Although I think there are still a lot of boundaries to be tested, but for this instance it is true, family will always be there when others desert you. Unless you have a crappy family, then it is a whole different issue, serve you right for having a sucky family! hahaha...

Oh... and by the way, during the wedding I had actually realized that make up can backfire as well. You can put on as much make up as you want, sometimes making yourself more hideous than when you started. A message for all the people who wear make up, you can never go wrong with just a touch-up. Any more than that, and you'll look even worse than a chimpanzee. hahaha... thought it'll be funny to share this with my audience.

So right after family, comes friends. Friends to me are very important. As we all probably had known, I spent most of my life away from my family. Perhaps the time I've spent outside is more than half of my life. Not that my family doesn't give a crap about me, just that I finally understood (after recent events), that the sacrifices they have made is actually worthwhile. I became what i am today, entirely owed to my family and friends. Now for the 14 years away from the family, my friends has replaced my family's position to fill my void. Although it may seem that my loyalty is divided, my stupid dumbass chinese education disallowed me to put friends before family. Not that I'm not grateful for what my friends had done for me, I am sincerely thankful for my friends who had accompanied me through difficult and lonely times. So, coming back to the main topic, I had cherished the time I've spent with my friends throughout the short trip. The party was excellent, but the companion was even more brilliant.

It is true that you can't have a party alone. That just proves how much a loser/loner you are, simply pathetic. In this instance, I wasn't alone at all. I had some of my best buddies with me. The beginning was kinda slow and quiet, but alcohol served it purpose and the atmosphere loosen up a bit. It was then I was introduced to the world of night life, where intoxication and sex goes hand-in-hand. It was a real eye opener for me. First of all, the nightclubs were more laid back than those we usually visit. The server were more friendly, and atmosphere was really cool. The girls were actually extremely aggressive. I mean, I'm not discrediting them, nor am I demeaning them because of their opinion. I actually respected them for the measures they will actually go in order to survive in this cruel world. Working life has enlightened me of how much effort and energy my parents had to put out just to put me through school. Thanks mom and pops! In a nutshell, working life sucks, it'll suck even more when you have minimum wage and trying not to give up any of the high expenditure lifestyle that you used to lead. The girls were actually coming on to you, be it local, Thai, Chinese, etc. They speak barely comprehendible broken english, but you can't really blame them. The fact that they chose their line of occupation proves that the level of education they had receive was at a minimum. I don't blame them for their barely passing communication skill, it is their spirit that actually earned my respect. They had to like their customers, be it wily old fox or an inexperienced virgin. They have to come up with 1001 methods to get close to their customers for that little extra pay that may or may not lurk at the end of the day. Their patience and work ethics are commendable.

Aside from the alcohol and the girls, the party was great. We had plenty of fun, alcohol is a wonderful ice breaker that can actually loosen up the atmosphere and let you get to know your company better than when you were sober. For that, I raise a glass to the married couple, wishing you all the best in your marriage, have the duration of an old sequoia tree and as harmonious as the leafs in fall. It is a new life, where two souls actually become one, and there will be a lot of accommodating to do. Good luck and all the best. For those of you getting married, the same message goes to you. For those of you who have been single for more than 3 years, look at yourself in the mirror, THERE IS DEFINITELY SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! hahaha...

Right now as I'm writing this, I have already experienced a totally different situation from the one in SBY. For more updates, you gotta stay curious, let's grab an arsenal of weapon and kill that bloody monkey....

KaRmA's A bItCh...

2009-09-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've last updated my blog. I have two unfinished entries waiting for me to complete. I guess I will complete them when I get the groove back on. Inspirations come and go, but to return to your initial spark of enlightenment is almost as hard as winning the lottery. I personally never won any, perhaps because I never tried it, but in everyday lives there is something that people like to call raffle prizes. Never got any of those too, so I figured that I'll never get a chance to win it anyway, why bother trying?

Life's just like that. Sometimes you try to increase your chances of winning, just like buying more raffle tickets. But when your foul luck plays, you're not gonna get it. That's why there are people who are actually employed to work with statistics all day long. The best you can do it to increase the amount of chances you have so that you have a decent figure to at least get a consolation prize. When you don't get it, you'll think that you have done your best and maybe you're just down on your luck. But what if you really wanted it? These privileges are not for the common people. Seriously not! Some people won the lottery and they think that they can finally live a life that they have wished their lifetime for. But is it the kind of turnout that they had expected? People go on and redeem their prizes, expecting an improvement in their condition of life. But many of them actually go bankrupt, divorced or even both. When that happens, you'd think twice if this was the life that you had wanted prior to winning that lottery? It may not be that much of a blessing in the end. Sometimes it just hurts you so bad and you'll end worse than where you begun. Now, is it really worth it?

On the other hand, there are indeed people who stays firm of the ground without even the slightest thought of leaping into the sky and staying there. They live honestly and obtained their means in life with integrity. They tried their hardest to improve their lives steadily. These are the people who endured through all sorts of setbacks and bullshits in their life. Despite the fluctuation, they still manage to improve and get a decent position. May not be where they wanted, but these are actually the people who aren't afraid to lose. If they lose, at most they start where they began, seldom worse; but my point is, they can handle it. If you were at the crossroads of your life, and you have to make the decision between the two, which will you choose?

I've been looking at the people around me. Similar to some of my friends, I feel inferior to them. I know that there are way more people more inferior to me, but that view is often ignored by the naked heart. All my life, I've been looking up. I want to leap that high, not too much higher than where I'm from. It is a decent distance, a very reasonable leap, at least in my opinion. But here I am, 3 months out of College, still jobless. The word ACHIEVEMENTS is burned in my mind. Where are they? I ask myself that question everyday. What have I done so far that can make me proud? What have I done recently that can be considered as an achievement?

To many people, graduating college is an achievement. Graduating college with a Chemical Engineering Degree is an achievement. Graduating college with a Chemical Engineering Degree and a published research paper is an achievement. To me, sadly, they are not. I have graduated through most of the educational institution with decent grades. If anybody asked me if they were hard, I'd say they're not. I believe I could have faired better than what I have obtained. I just didn't put in as much effort as I should. I'm not being an ass and boasting here. I'm actually pretty ashamed at the amount of effort I actually bothered to put in. I could have done better, seriously. So much better than I ever could. But do I regret my actions? Disappointingly, I'm not! I should be disappointed, but I'm not! If I could repeat the same process all over again with this knowledge, would I have done it any better? Unfortunately, the answer that I have is "No, I won't. I would have proceeded with the same amount of effort I had previously put in." Now where is the damn motivation in that? Where is the reflect and repent attitude I have been trying to instill in my character? I'm deeply ashamed with what myself. No achievement, no character.

I just hope that this is the end of my weakness and hope that next year I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror and say, hey dude, here's something you should be proud of. However, I have the feeling that I, just like any other human being, will continue to look up and never treat what I have done below as an achievement. We'll see...

Someday, this is going to catch up to me. Someday...

Karma's a bitch! I'm afraid of it, nevertheless....

The world has experienced a rising amount of quakes recently. I'm not attributing this to pollution, cos it is not related at all. You can only blame it on plate tectonics movement. My heart goes to sally's friend Ipu, who has siblings and loved ones in Samoa. God bless them and I hope they are safe and can be contacted by Ipu as soon as possible. As for those who experienced the quake in west Sumatra and its surroundings, including Singapore, I hope all is well. I hope that those who needs help will get it before they heave their last breath and leave this earth to a better place....

We3kEnDs...

2009-03-01T02:09:00.000-08:00

So it's 2:10 AM in the morning, and why I am still up? Perhaps its because I slept at 2 plus last night, woke up at 10:30 am and then went back to sleep at 3:00 till about 6:00ish. Its been a recess that I needed so much. I guess the past 8 weeks has been crazy. I gotta get used to taking 20 units of class. I'm still trying to catch up, but a break from chasing the endless wisdom is indeed what I need so far. I'm lucky cos I got it, some people aren't so lucky to get it. I'm grateful.

So prior to writing this blog, I was looking aimlessly at website, mostly news and my "toys". I cam across the news about Siegfried & Roy doing a charity, one night only performance. Then it led me to think about those albino/siberian tigers that I had always been fascinated by. Was wondering how come those animals that live in cold climates always has white colored furs. Polar bears, siberian tigers, siberian husky, even owls has white feathers. Since apparently tigers and all these wild beasts are considered inauspicious for my "feng shui" because of their vicious reputation as predators, I was looking for some "calmer" animals to set as my wallpaper.

I decided to search upon cows because of my chinese zodiac. Well, to be honest, googling "cows" doesn't yield the best results you can get. Most of the cows are just bred cows, some are just cartoons, and most of them has images that shows their testicles. Yes, they're indeed large!!! So I decided that my spirit was more fearsome than that. So I typed in "Bulls" instead of cows, but again, it was in vain. Nothing that was special, nothing attracted me so far. Nothing that really represent my nature and instinct. Perhaps bisons will be nice, but let's just forgo that thought for now.

Recalled on my previous entry, I meant to write something about "Importance me, ME ME ME!!!" Now, why would I say something like that? I feel that there are certain things that needs to be reciprocated in life. I honestly believed that I live my life according to my conscience. I feel liberated and carefree. If I have to die tomorrow, I will leave without regrets. I believe I don't owe anybody anything. In my life, I believe I treated people the best way I could. I've optimized my behavior according to theirs. If somebody treat me like crap, I won't be ruthless and do the same thing. I simply walk away and will try to avoid the person in the future. I rarely change my opinion about a person. I can't do that easily. I don't like being put in situations of awkwardness. I don't bullshit too well.

Friends had told me that hate is written all over my face whenever I see someone I don't like. That expression gets worse if I had to pretend to strike up conversations, etc. I don't function very well in awkward situation. I can give a presentation anytime of the day without hesitation, but I just don't thrive well under such pressured situation. Simply put, I'm a bad liar. Well, the reason why I'm talking about this is because I believe I deserve better than most of the people out there treat me. Yes I have certain regrets in my life that I'm not particularly proud of. We're all humans, we make mistakes in our life. I'm neither superior nor inferior than the next person. I believe that there's a certain level of courtesy and respect you have to show to others during interaction. Basically, you reap what you sow, period.

In a relationship, it does take two hands to clap. It takes one to slap. If there is only a hand in the relationship, it becomes a slap rather than a clap. Unfortunately, its more of a self-slap rather than a slap to the opposite partner. What makes things worse, its a slap from yourself for yourself. If you get what I mean... Talking about relationships, I believe there are 3 stages that you have to go through. It doesn't come one after another, it may permute between the 3 stages or may happen randomly.

First of all, there is this stage that I'd like to call the "honeymoon" period. This is where eyes are blind and ears are deaf. The rest of the world doesn't matter anymore for there's only the opposite person that you see. In your eyes, there are only you and the partner. This is when the both of you can't stand not being near each other, even in a mile radius. This is probably the sweetest part of the relationship, basically because you don't know shit about the other party.

The second stage is what I call the "getting used to each other" stage. This is when you get to learn and understand each other's habits. The habits may be good or bad, but this is basically the stage where you familiarize yourself with the other party. Be it food, music, clothes, etc. You may find some interesting things that you've never encountered your entire life, which is the sole excitement in the stage. It spices things up.

The last and most important stage is what I describe as the "putting up with each other". This stage usually comes after you get to know your partner. Knowing and putting up are two different things. When you first learn about the other party, you may not accept it. You can accept it momentarily because it hasn't affected your life. Not yet, at least. When things starts to get serious, the relationship is no longer as sweet as it used to be. And once reality struck, suddenly the rest of the world exists again. You're no longer blind nor deaf. There are only two choices, compromise or stop putting up with each other.

The last stage I described is the hardest to overcome. It is the last 2 rounds of the 12-rounds boxing match. You either make it or break it. I'd suggest sitting down calmly and talk it through with your partner, but there are indeed stubborn couples out there. In a relationship, you have to put down your ego. Sometimes, even put down your everything. But let me warn you, when you first set out on a journey with your partner, you have to understand the fact that you're actually putting yourself out there, vulnerably. There's a chance you will get hurt, sometimes seriously wounded. But if you think that its worth it, then go for it. If you're the type of person who can't get over hurting, then I suggest you take a second look at the chances of the relationship working. Or rather, before you leap to the "honeymoon" stage, I suggest you get to the "getting used" and "putting up" stage first. It will save you a lot of time and hurting. At least your feelings will be protected.

I just thought that if you think of a relationship in my perception, its actually a systematic process. Or it can just be that my perception is a very funny metaphor!!

Nah, I think its because I'm a process engineer, so I'm trying to see the process, just to make sure my plant doesn't blow up...

Time out = 2:49 AM

MoTiOnLeSs, EmOtIoNlEsS, LiStLeSs, InTeReStInGlEsS...

2009-01-24T00:05:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write something about the Bernoulli's equation today, but I realized that Microsoft Equation 3.0 can't be used in blogspots... what a waste! And since I'm using a mac, I can't edit it to be a JPEG or any picture image file and put in and give my thoughts on it. However, I'll try to do it once my PC is up again...

As I wait for my PC to copy all my necessary files and all my serial shows... I just felt like I have nothing to do. Don't get me wrong, I do have plenty of stuff to do. I can barely breathe on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week. A lot of things were due and I felt more like a chemical engineer these past few days than my entire life. I was working on the replication of an Ammonia plant. Who'd have guess that foul smelling thing is actually made in a plant? haha... in my mind, ammonia has always been that pungent gas that is used to clean windows, or basically anything that has glass. I didn't know that ppl do mass produce it... I thought because of its smell, nobody would want to use it. hahaha... i guess i'm wrong...

But nevertheless, I've been tired this week, I want a break but I foresee worse weeks ahead of me. The Lunar new year is arriving and there hasn't been good news about my fate according to the chinese geomancy. hahaha... to be honest... I believe that I've did enough good to at least cushion whatever things that is going to befall me, but just to make sure, I'll go donate blood and platelets again since I haven't done it in a long time. Enough bad things has happened, so the new year means new hopes, means new start, and hence marks a brand new fate... hopefully...

Anyway, it was nice to be catching up with the seniors in Cal Poly. It was nice catching up with people who didn't make it to senior class too... but nevertheless, they're the reason I go to sch everyday, to see people who are actually going to help you with your senior year... just hope that we'll struggle together till the end...

The real world out there is fast approaching and I have no clue what's going to happen. But I don't want to think too much about it, if I have to face it, I will face it with the weapons that the people in the past has used to overcome their challenges... hahaha... ya, I plagiarized that sentence completely from AICHE shirt 2 years ago... I'm becoming a mad scientist... help..

Instinct Counting....

2008-12-15T00:02:00.000-08:00

Today I asked myself a question that left me puzzled. It is the question that occurred to me when there was an accident on the merging ramp. There was an accident on a two lane connecting ramp. On the right side of the ramp, a corolla had an accident, most likely to be caused by the wet surface of the asphalt since it was raining. The left lane was closed as there was a towing vehicle getting in position to tow the car. The Corolla probably had rammed against the side wall of the connector due to sliding, or in physics term : Kinetic friction. I was on the left lane of the connecting ramp and I was tempted to change lane to follow the rest of the traffic. However, I didn't.. Moments later, there was a car behind me that screeched to a halt next to me, again, the truck was sliding to a stop.

I was thinking, if I had changed to the right, a fender bender would have been inevitable. I got lucky. My heart was pounding a million times a minute, I attempted to calm myself down by taking several long breaths. This was when this series of thought suddenly gorge in like a dam slowly opening to harness the energy of the moving water. I had prevented the car from experiencing the third fender bender it would have gotten in the past 2 months. I got lucky! So, this leads me to the question of instinct counting. How do you measure the instinct that you have developed over the years? Instincts governs a lot of area of the human life. Be it a business decision, driving awareness, professional athleticism, or simply just an engineering problem that you face in the industry? How do you measure the accumulated instinct?

The more I think about it, the more I believed that I wasn't just lucky. I had relied and chosen to follow the instinct;and I reacted accordingly. I'm talking about that split decision approach that you utilize in the moments before anything happens, not limited to just an accident. I remember a friend of mine once said before, the driving time that you have accumulated over the years will gift you a wonderful sense of instincts. In the split second, your body will recognize the situation and will act accordingly towards the approach that you're most comfortable with. I'm not saying that all the instincts that you have developed will work towards your advantage, sometimes this strategy may backfire!

We live in a dynamic world where things changes constantly. We face different situations on an hourly basis and will eventually "store" these experiences on the back of our mind. When we face a similar situation occurring, we unconsciously "load" these memories, measure the importance of the results and decisively choose an exit strategy. Our brain is indeed the greatest creation on earth. We are given the ability to think and analyze our woes. This in turn gives us an opportunity to create and invent. But this is not always the case.. hahaha..

Anyway... I hope that you enjoy reading the analyzed version of my thought... next up will either be "bernoulli's relationship equation" or "importance me, ME ME ME!!!" haha, stay tuned for the update on my blog..

Proposition 8

2008-11-03T22:03:00.000-08:00

Hmm... what should I say about this proposition? It is the proposition that eliminates the right of same-sex couples to marry. I was surprised that there were actually a lot of people around me who opposes this proposition. I don't feel that it is right to look at the gays and lesbians with a queer eye. It is utterly wrong to prevent the happiness of other people who are different than most people. I just heard that being gay/lesbians is actually an illness. I don't know how true that is and I don't feel the need to go research about it.

I have a couple of people around me who are actually gay. My hairdresser back in Indo is gay, my mom's clothes designer is gay. They are human beings much like ourselves, they just have a different sexual preference than people who are heterosexuals. Sometimes, these people are actually in an industry where a lot of creativity is required. They are indeed very conscientious and diligent people who are blessed with jovial personality and a surprisingly ecstatic creativity!!

I also know that they are people who have been oppressed for so long, they were forced to "hide in the closet" for centuries of years before the society gradually accepted them then they can finally heave a sigh of relief and be "outed". Now, when these group of people are eventually accepted by a significant amount of people, the redneck republicans suddenly feel that they are a threat to the society. Dude, the gays and lesbians has always been in the society for so many years, why now? All these politicians, sometimes I don't understand how they think. There's so many things going on in this world -- Terrorism, Global Warming, Recession,etc -- why should it be the gay and lesbians stuff? Don't you have other stuff to do? How do you prioritize? Seriously... Sometimes, they just gets on my nerve.

Their argument was by allowing same-sex marriage, it will be a threat to the foundation of the family and it is going to give a negative influence to the children in the future. What what what what what what what what??? What kind of nonsense is that? I bet 80% of the people who are supporting this proposition are probably too disgusted to even befriend all these people. They don't even know these people, why would they deprive them of their right of equality? The constitution refuses to discriminate people of all backgrounds. Isn't the USA reverted back to the governance of less than a decade ago? Less than a decade ago, there was the discriminations of the Cherokee Indians, People of Color, People who aren't Caucasoid. Where is the advancement in the political power in USA?

There will be no teachings in the education system that teaches the children about same-sex marriage. The school has never and will never teach their students about marriages, moreover same-sex marriage. This fact has been confirmed by the Teachers in the United States.

My question is... why are you depriving people of their rights to sexual preference? If there should be no discrimination in work place, public place and even employment opportunities, why should there be discrimination when it comes to marriage? It is the same as not allowing girls to wear pants, dudes not allowed to wear boxers. What kind of nonsense is that?

To be honest, I'm utterly disappointed to see the people who are supporting Proposition 8, it hurts even more when there are people around me who are supporting it. I know they must have their own reasons for it, but my reason is simple. If you cherish the peace that we have wherever you are in the world, why should you disturb the peace of others by banning them their right to equality? Screw you Prop 8!!!

生活中的点滴风采。。。

2008-10-28T17:34:00.000-07:00

So, it has actually been more than 3 months since I last visited my blog. A lot of things has happened in the last 3 months -- my Indo holiday in Bali, the sub-prime mortgage crash, Global Recession, Chelsea getting their ass kicked by Liverpool, and me getting my ass kicked by life. Haha.. very funny, I know...

So, let's talk first about Bali Holiday. It was pretty fun in Bali, the air is just filled with holiday mood. First of all, there are indeed a lot of Caucasians and non-locals in there. The place is set up in a sense that it gives the visitors a yin-yang balancing effect of traditional and modern. You can go see both traditional and urban infrastructure in there. Food there has a multi-national variety. There were also a lot of caucasians who decided to establish their residency and make their stay permanent. The locals were very nice people and they were always greeting you with smiles. But there was this one group/race of people who does not deserve the hospitality and the privileges that Bali can give you.

Anyway, that was that, so let's move on to the events that encircles my holiday. I went para-sailing, scuba diving and lots of shopping. First, parasailing was this brief 5-10 minutes of attachment to a parachute that was pulled by a speedboat over the Sea at Nusa Dua. At an elevation of what I can estimate of 50-100m, you can seriously feel wind/air resistance. It was like sitting on a convertible airplane. Well, the exact experience was more of sitting in the air with nothing but two velcro strap in tension around your waist. It was Awesome!! The view was exhilarating and for a moment I forgot about my phobia of heights, screw that!!!

Haha... technically, I went scuba diving first before parasailing. There was briefing before the actual diving just to establish some ground rules and methods that we have to utilize during the 1 hour underwater experience. Then it comes to swimsuits, weights, oxygen mask & tank and flippers. Cool right? yeap, it was that cool. Had taken a lot of photos of me underwater feeding fishes but I forgot where the CD was. So yah, i have to find it before I can share the pictures with you. Plenty of different type of fishes underwater, although we only went about 32 meters under the sea level. It was totally different from the simulation game that I had played on Wii, you can't touch the fishes cos they'll just freaking swim away the moment you tried to touch them. Again, I've experienced the second type of resistance, water-resistance. Actually, it was more of a viscosity, shear rate issues, etc. But I shall not go into detail.

Finally to shopping and food. Shopping wasn't that impressive, cos it was more of an event that satisfies my mom's craving of shopping. But the shopping was worth it cos I found a zebra striped pants that I really like but people just thought that it was distasteful. Who cares anyway? I think it was an awesome pair of pants!!! Haha.. Anyway, now it comes to food. Babi guling was also awesome. Aside from that I didn't really care about anything else that I ate cos they're not as kick ass great. Haha..

Back to LA, i was indeed sucked back into reality. So much for a hell of a holiday. School is starting and again I find myself constantly trying to improve. I want to retain as much information that I got from lectures. But one thing is for sure -- I am a hands on person. Sure you can force me to memorize that freaking formula and its derivation, but until the day I get to see the actual equipment and work with it, I can't picture it in my mind at all. So I do love hands on experience with equipments and machine, which is why I am taking the opportunity to take on my second senior project -- the PLC. I can't remember what it is, I can't remember what that's for, but I am building it. So I'm expecting to see a lot of things that I probably had not seen in my life and work on it. Trust me, by the time I'm out of this, I'll be like this kick ass PLC expert. I'll share more next time lah.

Lesson that I've learned today... Spend that extra effort to do things, when you are cooped up with a chore that you wished you just like to get done and over with, take a moment to breathe. See what is the extra inch that you can do and do it. It doesn't take your life, it doesn't hurt you, but by the time you finish, you'll accumulate an extra mile throughout the experience. Worth it? You be the judge...

Too Serious Too Soon...

2008-08-01T20:28:00.001-07:00

So apparently, there is still a lot of things going on in the world. It seems to be never ending huh? Have you ever wondered when the earth will sleep? At any given moment, half of the earth was supposed to be asleep. However, there are indeed cities that never sleeps. An example of such city will be Las Vegas, the gambling business never sleeps, prosperity never sleeps. You can struck gold at any given moment of the day, therefore Las Vegas is a city that never sleeps. At any other given moment, it's 5 o'clock somewhere else in the world. How true that is. I heard about that from a song that I listened a while back. So the world is always filled with events. Sleeping is never an option.

Anyway, I don't know why I started talking about the world being unable to sleep. My world has been rocked and sleepless too, I guess. Been sleeping at 7 or 8 pm at night and waking up between 5-6 in the morning. My day seems a little bit longer and my nights are definitely so much shorter. I guess my life now only revolves around visiting family, eating, hanging out with family and eating again. It's not a hard life to lead isn't it? Unfortunately, it is for me. I can't stand just staying still and not doing anything. Seriously... Back in LA, I am always busy, busy in sch, busy outside sch, busy at home, etc. Most of the time, I'm just doing other people's things. There is a limit to how much effort you can put out there, but there are indeed people who managed to accomplish so much at such a short time. So, we come to the question, what do I want to do? What do I like to do? I only have less than a year left in LA, before I head back home, what do I want to do till then?

Of course a huge part of it will be taking classes in school that allows me to complete my minor and major degrees. And that will probably take up about 50-65% of my time. For the rest of the time, I guess I have to do things for myself le. So, serial shows just gotta wait then, I shall do things that I want to do. I want to learn scuba diving, I want to snowboard, I want to explore US, but ultimately, I wanna do something else, something more private and is beyond the scope of this blog.

There are things that I want to try for different reasons. Ultimately, I just want to try how it feels to have adrenaline pushed into your heart, leaving a hint of shiver within your body. I am not saying that I want to break an arm or a leg, but if that is what it takes, then so be it. Perhaps for the remaning time that I have in the US, I just want to release myself, be fearless.

Overweight Jakarta

2008-07-30T06:55:00.000-07:00

So apparently, I am back in Jakarta. Thank you all for posting comments on my blog, I don't have many people visitting my blog, maybe a good thing, maybe a bad one too, but the truth is, with the minimum amount of attendance on my blog I am not upset after all. I am glad that you guys came, your comments means a lot to me. Constructive criticism or not, it still means a lot to me.

Speaking about criticism, I am sorry mich, I doubt that this blog will ever be abandoned. To abandon is to totally discard the fact that the blog exist, but I don't feel like this blog is ever going to be discarded. I did desert the blog from friendster, b'cos I don't know who's going to read them, wanna keep it more private, that's why it was discarded. This blog had actually fulfilled most of my needs to keep my diary out of the public's view, so ya, it doesn't seem that its going to be abandoned. Look at your blog, you've promised to update it, but seems like its the one being abandoned. Haha... there'll be more than just bananas and atoms and nucleus, there'll be protons, neutrons and whatever it is inside a cell. Haha... Shua, I don't always go to ATM ok, with the technological advancement of the Internet, I can do a lot of things from the internet, that will reduce the amount of visits to the ATM, other than to take cash, so I'm keeping those visits to a minimum. Haha...

So, back in Jakarta, nothing much has changed, except that I have a nephew. Dylan Kenzie Wantah is his full name. Haha.. family just keeps getting more whole by the generation. Seems like my dear little nephew treats me like a "spring bed", or so according to my sis and sis-in-law. It is always easy for him to stick his head on my chest and he'll fall asleep within the second. Haha.. Apparently I have my way of handling kids falling asleep. This surprised me too. Anyhow, I'll be scheduled to return to LA on Sept 12th. I tried to avoid travelling on Sept 11th, but it doesn't seem to be much of a danger now. Until the US has a new president (hopefully not a republican), I guess the terrorism problem wouldn't improve. It is still a big question mark as to how the most advanced army from the US still failed to apprehend Osama bin Laden. Perhaps the real terrorists still live amongst us in the United States. Damn jack ass loh!

Haha, that being said, I am falling asleep le, so I guess I'll talk to you more next time. In the meantime, give me inputs about the song in my playlist, do you guys like it?

Quote of the day

2008-07-13T02:02:00.000-07:00

Yeah baby, I have time to present our quote of the day, or rather the quote that I think is worth mentioning. Got the quote from ria, learnt a lot from her and sally today. According to Ria's psychology training, the best predictor is still past history. But we got into the entire debate about past history leading to stereotypes that is actually perceived as negative in the society. Then we came to the topic of our current quote of the day which is " you can never change someone, the most that you can do is to influence them", which by unanimous vote decided that it was unargueable. Good job, great talk ppl!

YeLlOw, MeLlOw, HeLlOw

2008-07-12T01:37:00.000-07:00

So what's been going on huh?

I've decided to make my blog more private by switching to blogspot. Friendster is too overrated anyways. Friendster should go into the recycle bin and Facebook should be the new Friendster. Haha... Anyway, shua said that my blog has been disintegration into neutrons and protons, filled with spiderweb and bananas. Shua said that bananas just adds the effect of filth into the entire condition of the blog. Shua... nobody eats bananas in their blogs... hahaha...

Reason why I took so long to finally blog was... school and stuff. Summer's here, its hot everywhere but I'm still busy with school. Couldn't say I got exemplary results last quarter but I must say I deserved it. Haha... Right now, I still have 9 units of short semester course to complete in 2 weeks and then off to Indo I'll go. Right now, I must say that I have a little bit more time for myself. But I just can't get used to it. Previously I have been spending too much time either with work or with company, but now, all of a sudden, I'm alone.. darn it! hehehe... Lonely... I am so Lonely.... I have nobody.... I'm on my own...

Anyway, topic of the day should be Global Warming. I don't know why I picked it up, but hey, whatever comes into my mind is whatever I'm vomitting out right now. Inspiration waits for nobody, once it comes, you gotta do somethinga bout it, cos when it goes, it goes away, sometimes forever. I know that the previous sentence has a run-on sentence mistake, but hey, this is my blog, and in this parallel world of my brain, there's no such things as correct structure and layout. I say things the way they're organized in my neurological way and I should have the liberty of doing it simply because.... it is my own brain, hahaha...

Let's just get to the main topic of the day and get it done and over with, shall we? The reason why there's global warming in this world is because we are burning fossil fuels to provide our constant hunger for energy. Right? Right...

When we burn fossil fuels, we actually increase the entropy of matter in the world. Right? Right....

And when we burn fossil fuels, we add heat to the environment, right? Right...

So basically, in a chemical engineer's perspective, this is an open system. Or rather I should say an open batch system which we can see as a continuous stirred tank reactor(CSTR). If the reaction keeps giving out heat, then we shall see an increase in the enthalpy because the entire reaction is exothermic. So, if this system is not balanced by another system that actually absorbs the heat then we shall see that there is an increase in released energy. And this released energy is in the form of heat. Right? Right...

Hence, with the continuous release of heat, we are actually increasing the average temperature of the world. Right? Right...

So, with the increase of temperature around the world, then it is obvious enough that the icebergs are melting and increasing the sealevel. With this increase in sealevel, a domino effect will occur. There'll be tsunami, floods, rainstorms & hurricanes, just to name a few. So with this eulogy, who the hell believes that there is going to be Global Cooling? For those of you who don't understand what global cooling is, it is the belief in the phenomenon of Ice Age(Well, at least this is what I thought it was supposed to be, but yeah, you can do the research and let me know whether this is true). Apparently, there are some scientists that believe that the Ice Age is approaching. As a chemical engineer(not yet certified, by the way), I came up with the abovementioned theorem that proves that Ice age cannot occur. Heat is being released to the atmosphere even as we are interacting in this blog.

So the next time you wanna go for a campfire, barbecue, driving, electricity wasting of any form, think about the sequence of events that will happen next. But then, all we can do is just think about it, there's really nothing much we can do if we are already slaves of the entire energy business. Haha... So there you go, a crash course in Global Warming in my perspective.

Oh well, so for now, I'm thinking about getting a MacBook Pro to replace this Toshiba that I have... A lot of thinking to do but well... Ok, so I gotta retire for bed now, I have an appointment to donate my blood platelets for a young girl who's suffering from leukemia. Let's just hope that if I can't save the world, I can at least try my best to save a young girl. One packet of platelets and blood at a time...